Kate Halim
Many women are suffering in their marriages today because they didn’t set relationship standards. These women didn’t care about the kind of men they were getting married to, they just wanted to stop being single.
Inside the world of single mothers
They got tired of being asked when they are getting married by friends, family members, colleagues and church members. They were fed up with attending different programmes for single ladies.
They got tired of being told that the reason they were not married yet was because they were too selective. They were hounded by people around them to just settle for any man that mentions marriage to them.
The sad aspect of their decision to settle for just any man is that they didn’t think about life after marriage. They didn’t stop to think about how their lives would look like after settling for the kind of men they married. All they were concerned about was just to land a man and transform him into a husband.
The annoying thing is that these women who settled for less than they deserved in their relationships are the ones who will tell you that all men are useless. All men cheat, just pray and cover yourself with the blood of Jesus before having sex with him so that he won’t infect you with STDs.
They are the ones who will tell you that you have to suffer for your marriage to work. They are the ones who claim that marriage is for better for worst, not worse. To these women who love to suffer, you must be ready to lay down your life on the altar of your marriage if the need arises.
They are the ones who will tell you that as long as your husband is not beating you, you should endure all the emotional and psychological abuse he puts you through. God won’t let you die, just be praying and fasting. God will see you through.
They are the ones who will tell you that as a wife you don’t have a say in your husband’s house. You are to nod and obey every command just to please your Emperor Nero. If your husband says jump, you ask ‘how high?’
They are the ones who will tell you to wear sexy dresses, buy red bra and panties and do snake in the monkey shadow sex positions to change the heart of a chronic cheat who doesn’t even care about having sex with family members and his wife’s friends.
How I pity these women. I also pity the women who listen to them and their destructive advice. If you love to suffer, do it alone. Don’t use your bad marriage which you are enduring to set marriage example for others.
The fact that you settled for a disrespectful and irresponsible man doesn’t mean that other women should do the same. If you are cool with enduring abuse and humiliation, be my guest. Stop telling young ladies that all men are like that. It’s a lie.
There are good, loving, kind, responsible and respectful men in our society who love and cherish their wives. There are good men who don’t feel insecure about their wife’s talents, jobs, careers, business and prosperity. There are men who treat their wives like the Queens that they are.
Women who are married to good men should be the ones giving marital advice and not the slaves who are suffering in the slave camps they call marriages. They should be the ones guiding single ladies on the kind of men to marry and the ones they shouldn’t waste their time on.
Ladies, stop settling. Stop settling for men who don’t respect you. Stop settling for gold diggers who just want to do fine boy around town with your money. Stop settling for men who will make you fight other women because you want to be married. Top settling for chronic cheats while claiming all men are dogs.
Stop enduring things that can harm your health and well being. Stop enduring cheating, cheating is not normal. If a man expects you to be faithful to him, he should also be faithful to you. Being cheated on is not normal and treating sexually transmitted diseases all the time is not normal.
Being controlled by another human being is not normal. Being physically abused by the man who should love and treat you right is not normal. Being disrespected all the time in public is not normal. Being verbally and emotionally abused is abnormal.
Stop making excuses for your husband’s bad behaviour by quoting irrelevant Bible verses. God is not wicked. Sharing your husband sexually with different babes is not normal. Crying more than you laugh is not normal. Not being able to talk to your husband when he is hurting you is not normal.
You are not a robot, stop suffering and smiling. Stop hurting yourself. Stop claiming that marriage is built by tears and pains; you are not being truthful to yourself. If you settled for a man who treats you badly, stop advising other ladies to do the same. That’s wickedness.
Relationship standards are minimum requirements someone desires in a prospective partner. In a relationship, a person feels certain qualities must be present or must not be present, in the case of unwanted behaviors or values, and failing to meet these requirements results in a deal breaker.
Everyone deserves a healthy relationship, especially if they aspire to positively contribute to it. You don’t have to be perfect to feel entitled to caring, respectful treatment from a quality partner. If you are willing to give to a relationship—love, affection, respect, honesty, hard work—then are you not entitled to expect that much in return?
It is annoying that Nigerian women are expected to give all of themselves to their men but these men do little or nothing to meet the needs of their women. Their bad behaviour is excused on the altar of men will be men or with culture and religion. It’s appalling.
Developing a sense of entitlement to a quality relationship is the first step to enjoying a great relationship, because once you feel deserving, you are free to set and demand relationship standards.
Nigerian women should know that a good starting place for setting standards is writing down the list of qualities and behaviors that make them happy in a relationship, the ones that are most meaningful to them and those that are non-negotiable.
Young lady, you deserve a man you are attracted to, the one who has genuine interest in you and desires to spend significant time with you. You don’t have to running after a man who doesn’t want to be with you because you want to get married at all costs.
As a lady, you deserve an honest, trustworthy and faithful man. Not all men are dogs or lack self control. Shut your ears to the tales of doom women married to irresponsible men spread around town. You should be with a man you feel safe with.
Your man must practice good self-care and not engage in unhealthy or destructive behaviors. He must have ambition or goals, and be success-oriented. He must be employed, energetically pursuing employment or doing a business that brings him money. Don’t use your money to buy a man; you are setting yourself up for future heartaches.
Dear ladies, don’t marry a man who doesn’t believe in equality and fairness in a relationship. Your man must treat you well and not be excessively critical of you, your ambitions and your future. You don’t need an enemy of progress for a spouse.
Your man must make an effort to get along with your family and friends. Any man who doesn’t want you relating with your family and friends is a potential abuser. Run away from him.
Your man must have his own life and interests, separate from yours, and must accept your right to pursue your own separate interests and activities from time to time. No man has the right to destroy your life because you want to be in a relationship.
Your man must be able to handle conflicts and differences in a fair and civil manner, and be willing to make compromises. He shouldn’t silence you with ‘I am the man’ phrase during arguments. You have the right to air your opinions and grievances too. You must have effective communication with this person, and be able to express yourselves and listen to each other.
To all the young ladies out there, when starting a relationship, failing to uphold fundamental standards will lead to a sad future. Set relationship standards today and stick to them, you deserve the best.
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RE: MARRIAGE MADE EASY
Marriage made easy
Kate, you are a great woman. Thanks for being a blessing to many marriages through your column. I love you dearly for last week’s article. Well done.
-Pastor Promise
You are simply the best. You have helped me in a lot of ways that I just cannot express. God bless you and keep you. Thank you.
-Pamela Iwunze
I am a regular reader of your column. I thank you for your immense and useful marital advice to both genders. If anyone keeps or observes your advice on relationship issues, that person will enjoy peace and harmony in their marriages. Keep doing what you know best.
–Stanley
The only thing you know how to do best is throw subtle insults on men because you are a old maid who hasn’t seen a man who will take you out of your single misery. Every week, you unleash your anger on men without making sense. Kate, stop writing down your frustrations. No one cares really. -Obinna, Aba
Marriage is not a tissue paper affair. Unfortunately, in all your articles, your response to men’s deficiencies is for wives to leave their husbands. That is clearly against God’s orders and arrangement and that’s why most of your readers vilify you. You can channel your intellect to other areas. I hope you stop so that you don’t suffer retributive consequences. You don’t need to be an assistant God to know that.
-Nze Nwata David, Aba
