Mr. Boniface Iordye, a retired Air force officer served in the Nigerian Air Force from 1977 to 2012. During that period, he met and married his wife, Mrs. Catherine Iordye, a seamstress as a second wife. He did so initially in the African traditional way before going for a church wedding in the later, older years of their union. But in the past 25 years, they have been able to live happily together despite the challenges associated with living in a polygamous home. Their union produced six children in addition to six from the first wife. In this interview with SCHOLASTICA ONYEKA, in Makurdi, the couple shared the story of how they were able to weather the storm. They also gave some pieces of useful advice to both the young and intending couples.
Tell us when and how you got married
Mr Boniface: I met her while I was serving at the Air Force Base in Makurdi. That time, I had one grinding machine in a shop I rented. Any day I had the chance I would go there and assist the boy I employed. So on this fateful day, she came to grind some food items. One other woman was also there and she was admiring her beauty. The woman said she wished she had a brother. She would have advised him to marry her. This was in 1997. The woman’s remarks made me look at her and truly I discovered that she was beautiful. When the woman left, I called her to come. She thought I was going to send her on an errand. When she came, I told her that I would love to marry her. She didn’t talk. She just laughed and walked away. I traced her to her village and told her father I wanted to marry her daughter. But initially, she was not disposed to the idea. Anytime she saw me coming on my bike, she would run away from their house. I went several times. But she never stayed for one day to greet me. I got angry and stopped going there. But when her brothers noticed that I had stopped coming, they told me that they were the ones to give her out in marriage. They said I should not give up hope in continuing to woo her.
Madam Catherine: I didn’t want to marry him because he already had a family by the time we met. When I was young, I promised myself that I would not want to marry anyone with a wife and children. But my mother used to advise me that any day I married I should stay in my husband’s house. So when my father and brothers pressured me until I agreed to marry him I was worried that if ran away, it would bring shame. People would begin to gossip about me that I was married and couldn’t stay with a man. I didn’t know what to do. So I stayed back. Although at first, I faced many challenges, I was able to cope.
Did anyone oppose your marriage?
Mr Boniface: No, my father was a polygamist. When my first wife started maltreating me, I told my father who was pestering me to remarry that one day, God would give me a wife. He was the one that found my first wife for me. But on this second journey, I insisted on doing so by myself so that whatever the woman I would marry does to me I would know that I was the one that brought the trouble on myself. But by the time I married and brought her home, my parents had already passed on. The only person who opposed our marriage was my first wife. She put up a lot of fight with her before she eventually left.
Madam Catherine: My people did not object. I like obeying my parents. So I stayed. There was no attraction at the beginning. But after I married him, the way he treated me was different from what I heard. If he went to work and saw any good wrapper or shoe he felt I would like, he would buy and bring to me. He started treating me very well and I started liking him.
So, did you ever think of divorce?
Madam Catherine: No. But in those days, each time he went to work, his children from his first wife would be fighting me. At some point, I felt like running away to my village. But I didn’t want to leave my child behind because I felt that if I left him, he would suffer. I decided to stay and look after him. Sometimes when the fight became too much, I would run to my people. At such times, he would come looking for me with his people. After much talking and discussion, my people would settle the matter for us and would ask me to go back with him.
Mr Boniface: I never thought of divorce because I knew that there was no quarrel that could not be settled. I didn’t marry her to abandon her halfway. So divorce never crossed my mind at all.
Have you had any sweet memorable days since you married him?
Madam Catherine: Yes. When we got married, we didn’t have a church wedding initially. But each time I saw a new couple wedding and the lady dressed in her wedding gown, I would wish I were in her shoes. I so much longed to wear the white wedding gown. I had been asking my husband for a church wedding. So one day, he just went to our priest and told him that we wanted to wed. So the wedding day was my happiest day in this marriage.
Mr Boniface: Since I married her, she has been so wonderful and has continued to make me happy. I told myself that this woman deserved what she was asking for. One day, I made up my mind and approached the priest and asked him to wed us. He agreed. My happiest moment was being able to fulfil her dream of a wedding because as she was happy, that made me happy too. Now I know that she is my wife and nobody can separate us. All the people who were gossiping that she would go and leave me alone had been put to shame. Twenty-five years on and she is still with me. I don’t think she is going anywhere again. Every day when I look at her, I’m very happy.
What was your first misunderstanding all about and how did you settle it?
Mr Boniface: Before I went for the second wife, I told my first wife. But I didn’t tell her that it was because she was not listening to me. My first wife had seven children: six girls and one boy who is the second born. But one of the girls died, remaining six. With that only boy, my father would often call me and say, “a person with one eye is not a complete person. This is because if one eye goes blind, he will have no eye to see.” Anytime he saw me, he would repeat that proverb. That’s how I ended up as the father of many children because both wives gave birth to more female children than male. You know our people, if you don’t have a male child, when you die, your people would be interested in what you have. They would drive out your wives and female children. But if you have some boys, it would be different. So when she came and began to bear female children, I was agitated. Each time we had issues and she ran to her people, I would go there and we would talk things over and her father would tell her to go and take care of her children. She would quietly follow me. At other times, we would settle it between us.
Madam Catherine: After I married him, our first quarrel was about children. Sometimes, when he had gone to work, I would be at home with the children of the first wife. We were always having issues. Whenever he came back and I told him what happened, he would often side with his first wife’s children. In fact, one day, he told me that I was the one looking for their trouble. I was angry and that caused a big fight between us. I never had issues with him over anything; it was always with the children of his first wife. But we usually settle. I don’t hold grudges for long. If I quarrelled with him now, after a little while, we would forget it and start talking to each other. I don’t allow the quarrel to stretch for long.
Having lived together for 25 years, what do you like about each other?
Madam Catherine: We have the same mannerism. He doesn’t stay angry for long. If we quarrelled, sometimes, I would be angry to the point that I wouldn’t want to talk to him. But he would be talking to me. Even if I refused to speak to him, he would talk to me until I start responding. That’s the thing I like about him. But one thing I don’t like about him is that he likes to quarrel. But my weapon against the quarrels is submission and obedience. I just told myself that I would always obey his instructions. I said whatever he wants me to do I would do it because if you marry and you are not obeying your husband, trouble would always come. Even as a seamstress, whenever I go to my shop, his heart would be beating: ‘Where is my wife? Where is my wife?’ As you see him, left to him he would like to ‘chain’ me down somewhere. At one point, I had to close my shop and bring my sewing machines home. I still have my customers. But I now do my work at home.
Mr Boniface: Like she said, what I like about her is that she doesn’t nag or quarrel for long. We have one bed we sleep on. If we quarrelled in the afternoon, by evening she would cook food. We would eat and when we go inside, she would give me the ‘last’ food also, if you know what I mean. Even though we quarrelled, she never refused me the other food. She doesn’t allow our quarrels to get to that point.
What do you think are the causes of divorce?
Mr Boniface: Allowing external forces like parents and relatives to take decisions for you in marriage is one. Husband and wife should settle their issues rather than always inviting outsiders because that person might be influenced to give you the wrong advice. Another reason is the lack of maintenance. You can’t have a family and abandon them. I have three children in the university and it’s my responsibility to pay their fees, provide good accommodation for them and other essentials. But some people would relegate their roles and expect everything to be smooth. That is not good. Again, some people don’t have secrets. Things that are supposed to be kept inside the house, they say to everyone and it’s not everyone that loves you. So people should know family secrets and keep them. Another is a lack of understanding. When we married newly, we used to fight a lot. But after some time, we began to understand each other. Another thing is that some men, whenever they had issues with their wives would raise their hands. She is your wife and it is wrong to beat your wife. We must all avoid domestic violence in our homes.
Madam Catherine: We women like to copy others or compare our homes and husbands with others. That is one of the reasons, some women would marry and even though they know that the man does not have a car, they would start asking the man to buy them a car. They would start asking for big things. They would even tell their man what the other man had done for his wife. They would insist that the same be done for them. Such demand brings quarrels. Manage your home according to what is on the ground. Stop looking into what is happening in other people’s homes. Some men would say their wives don’t know how to dress. They don’t smell good; they are fat. She is this and that. If you want your wife to look, dress and smell in a particular way, then make her the way you want. If she was black and you want her to be fair, make her fair. If she is fat, take her to the gym, and she will slim down. If you want her to wear trousers, buy one and give her. Some men, if their wives ask for money to buy food items, they would say that they don’t have. But if you go to the beer parlour, you would see them buying drinks and pepper soup for their friends while their children are languishing in hunger at home. Sometimes, if the woman doesn’t have a source of income, she would feel frustrated and begin to regret the marriage.
What advice do you have for young couples and marriage hopefuls?
Mr Boniface: Some people pretend and hide their character. So look before you leap. Ensure you know him or her very well before going into marriage. Secondly, be honest with your partner. Don’t hurt your partner with words. Some women would say something to you and you won’t know when you would release a heavy blow on somebody. Be kind; don’t be harsh. You also need to be patient. If my wife was not patient, she would not have been able to marry me. Another issue is money matters. Money can bring problems in a relationship and marriage. If your wife is working and you are working, fulfil your obligations. Don’t fight her over her money. Another thing I would advise young men is, if you don’t have money, don’t go and marry a rich woman.
Madam Catherine: To me, marriage is all about patience and understanding. You have to understand your husband to avoid issues. Our people say, two captains cannot stay in one ship. If your husband has a hot temper, you the woman would need to calm down. If your wife has a hot temper, Oga, you would need to calm down. But if two “I-no-go-gree” marry, that marriage would always have issues. As a young girl, if you marry, let your husband know what you want and what you don’t want. The same thing goes for the man. Anytime I have an argument with my husband, I don’t insist I must win. If I wanted to say something and met a brick wall, I would calm down. But some girls would say, “me I no de gree”. Same with their husbands. Such a marriage will not last.