Sir Humphrey Best Iriabe is the secretary of Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), Edo State chapter. He and his wife, Lady Edith Iriabe, have been married for 34 years. The union has waxed stronger by producing six children. In this interview with PAUL OSUYI, the couple shared their marital experiences.
How did you meet your spouse?
Sir Humphrey: While I was doing public relations work for the music company in the then Bendel State, now Edo State, in a high brow area of Benin City, precisely Akpakpava, on one of the days, she came with her friend to greet my boss after typing their academic projects in a nearby business centre. She was then at the College of Education. After greeting my boss, they left. I inquired from him about her. He told me that he was a family friend to her and that he knew her family very well. I then said I was interested in her. He promised to link me but warned that I should be ready to settle down. I later got to know her more intimately.
Lady Edith: He has said it all. I don’t have any further details. As he said, when I came to type my project work, I never knew that God had planted somebody there for me. I had not met him before. I just went into the office to do what I came to do and left, not knowing that He had already told somebody about me. There was now a follow-up through my elder sister. His boss told him that they could only get me through my sister whom he knew very well. They started coming to our house but I did not know what was happening. It was later that I knew why they were coming to visit us courtesy of his boss. They would interact and leave. That was how it all started.
When you decided to marry her, was there any opposition?
Sir Humphrey: No. Before I chose to settle down, there had been that pressure from my people to get married. So when I eventually met her and did some groundwork on my own, and introduced her to my father, he was very excited about it. He was very impressed with her. On her part, there was no hesitation. The only question was if I was a Christian because theirs was a Christian home.
On your part, your sister had already approved the relationship from the onset. It was like there was no opposition at all?
Lady Edith: My parents were always looking out for us, the female children, to settle down with believers. So when I told my parents, the first question they asked was: Is he a Christian? Does he go to church? What about his parents? Have you studied him very well and, ascertained that you would be able to live the remaining part of your life with him? Actually these are questions that will come from parents when you make your intention known. So, there was really no opposition.
As at that time in the 1980s when you came back from Rome after studies, there would have been some other ladies flocking around you. What made you choose her above other available spinsters?
Sir Humphrey: As a young man, you came home from overseas, did your NYSC, and then you are working in the music industry where you have female artistes coming in and going out. Of course, you would have girls here and there. But as somebody who was focused, I knew where I was going. My prayer was to have a settled home, to marry a good woman from a good family for a wife like my father did. My father told me not to bring home a white woman because she would not be able to relate with us. He told me that I could be their friend. But I should let it end there. When I came down to Nigeria, I did not stay with my parents. After my NYSC, I rented a two-bedroom apartment. Some ladies would want to stay but that was not my focus. My focus was that someday, I was going to live as husband and wife with a woman of my choice. God so did it that as at the time we met, these ladies were completely out of my life. I was sort of free. There was none of them holding on to me at that time.
Apart from the Christian background, what other qualities made you fall for him?
Lady Edith: Even though I was 24 at that time, I was really not having the mind to settle down, like he had. But when the pressure came from my elder sister and his boss, that he is a nice person, that he would not disappoint me and all of that, I became interested, as a young lady then. And, I am glad that I did not make any mistake. I really had no choice because once my immediate elder sister approved, I had no option other than to accept and love him.
In spite of the intermediaries, how did you actually propose to her?
Sir Humphrey: I knew that the two intermediaries were not the ones to approach her for me. So I needed to be cautious by, first of all, knowing the family because I was also mindful not to make a mistake. I remember what my father told me. He said any lady I decide to marry, I should make sure that her mother is living with her father as husband and wife, except in the case of death. He told me this while I was still in secondary school. That was at the back of my mind while I was trying to know something about her family. It happened that there was going to be a naming ceremony party at Igieduma, where she came from. My boss was going to attend as a friend of the family. I saw it as an opportunity to go and know more about her family. At that time, she had not known what was going on between me and her elder sister and my boss. I was there at the big ceremony, observing, and my boss was running commentaries in my ear on every movement: ‘that is her father’, ‘that is her mother’, ‘that is her elder sister’ and so on. Her immediate elder sister, I already knew. After that, I visited their place, one evening. Her elder brother who is also acquainted with my boss, saw me and greeted. I went alone because my father told me that ‘if you are sure you were going to get a wife, don’t go with anybody; go alone.’ When she saw me, she probably did not know what was going on. But when they were seeing me off, I excused her to let the cat out of the bag, that I was not just there as a mere visitor, that I was there for something concrete. I told her that the reason I was there was because of her. That was how I broke the news to her. Eventually, I got the yes I was looking for. Thereafter, the relationship started to build up.
How did you respond to his proposal?
Lady Edith: At first, I was shocked when my sister beckoned on me to see him off. She was already aware of why he came; they were planning it together, unknown to me. I eventually obliged her. I decided to see him off to a point where he now broke the news to me. When I got back home, I told my sister, not knowing that they were already in alliance. I told her that ‘see o, he is proposing to me; somebody that I have not met before’ But my sister replied and asked me to observe him. She said I should keep watching to see if eventually he would be the one. At the initial stage, I was always reporting back to her. I would tell her my observations including the negative aspects. But she would always reply by insisting that he is a nice person. Eventually, I stopped telling her anything because I realised that she was the one they gave the contract, and she had to make sure the contract worked out. That was how the going started and eventually ended up in marriage. My sister and I were really close; there was nothing we didn’t discuss. When I eventually told my elder brother because my parents were in the village, he also advised me to watch him to see if it was a journey I could embark on. He said everything was in my hand. He said he had not seen anything negative in the man. When he finally approved of it, he was the one that went to the village to tell my parents. It was after he broke the news that my father invited me.
On the day of your marriage ceremony, what particular thing do you remember most?
Lady Edith: Right from day one when we started visiting each other, I just discovered that I was really welcomed by his parents. Like he said, they were already on him to bring home a wife. So right from day one, I didn’t see anything like non-acceptance from them. On the traditional or native wedding day, they all came out. We went to the village. My father-in-law kept telling me that I have brought honour to him and his family. He said if he should open his heart, I would see the joy in it but it was unfortunate he could not open it. Really the acceptance by his parents was a thing that I held on to in the relationship. And, after that day, June 25, 1987, a Thursday, we now came to Benin for the white wedding at the Baptist Church, New Benin. Our reception was held at Urhokpota Hall. His father kept repeating that statement that I brought him honour. You know he was working in an industry that records music for artistes, so he knew all the reigning artistes then. And, they all came to showcase their talents at the reception. They took turns to sing for us. And so Papa (his father) kept saying that I brought all these people, that who did he know in Benin? So those two days were really interesting and I cannot forget them in a hurry.
Sir Humphrey: It was well attended. At that time, there were no event centres all over the place. If you were able to secure Urhokpota Hall, it means you are one of the top people at the time. We secured it and the place was jam-packed. When we got to the reception, I was very happy with myself because as the public relations manager of an outfit, recording people like Tony Gray in Warri, Terry Macson, Tony Ukate, all the local artistes, Osayomore Joseph, Ohenhen, Akaba Man, we had artistes coming in from all over Nigeria. During the traditional wedding, the artistes were struggling to come and perform. We had Bayo Ade, now late. He sang one song titled: Amebo Dem Go Tire. Ohenhen was there, Osayomore Joseph was there. At Urhokpota Hall, Terry Macson did a reigning song in Nigeria then. Tony Gray, now late, also performed. Others who did not perform were there. I was very happy. And the press was there because as a public relations man, I related very well with the press, the entire press. I used to send them stories once we released an artiste. My by-line might not be there but after analysing the music, I would do a write-up and give it to Festus Ruppy of the Nigerian Observer. He later went to Delta where he retired in The Pointer newspaper. I would write stories for Lagos Weekend and Daily Times, so that the man on the beat (Showbiz) would not have much work to do. By so doing, I knew all the showbiz writers in the Nigerian media industry, and they came.
Lady Edith: Another remarkable thing about the traditional wedding is that I am the last out of seven children. It happened that there was no other native wedding done by any indigene in that village before my own. The reigning thing then was for ladies to end up in men’s houses after getting impregnated by them. But my father was a good disciplinarian and did not allow us to step out of the compound to visit anybody. When I eventually did that traditional wedding, bringing the most popular Benin musician then, Ohenhen, it was a big achievement and it became a reference point for other parents. They started admonishing their children to live a good life, telling them to emulate me for bringing honour to my parents. That time, they used palm fronds and bamboo sticks to make canopies during social events. But we brought real canopies to the village. My father kept mentioning it, of how his friends were referring to the marriage. And, immediately after mine, it was like the way was now opened and more traditional weddings were now being conducted. But mine was the first of its kind in that village.
What would be your advice for a bachelor who intends to get married, long or short courtship?
Sir Humphrey: Check out the family backgrounds. What is key to me is: is the person a Christian, not just a nominal Christian, but radically converted to the scriptures, and trying to act out the scriptures? Six, seven months or even a year, is enough to know each other; you don’t need to cut his or her intestines to know what is inside. Don’t do hide-and-seek, knock through the front door and make sure the parents of your would-be spouse know you. At most, one year would be okay.
Lady Edith: It is not really long or short courtship that makes the home because you cannot know it all. I will advise spinsters to look out for a Christian young man who is vibrant, who has the fear of God. You can detect that within few months of your courtship; you can know a man who is seriously serving God. That is number one before they start adding other things that they want in a man.
In the light of rampant cases of divorce, from your own personal experience, what pieces of advice would you want to give to younger couples on how to sustain their marriage?
Sir Humphrey: First, marriage must not be predicated on beauty or handsomeness or generosity or ‘this man has a fine house or car.’ A marriage that is based on materialism will not last. The vow is, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for poorer, for richer till death do us part. Marriage is a church where the husband is the head pastor, and his wife the assistant. So the church uses a Latin word, EcclessiaDomestica. In the domestic church, Jesus is at the centre of it all, so there should be no divorce. Material things are good; we pray to have them so that we can enjoy them. But do not allow them to drive the marriage. They cannot make marriage to be successful.
Lady Edith: Young couples should have the mind-set that they are going to render account of their stewardship to God. Your relationship with God, your spouse, your children when they start coming, even with your extended family members and then within your neighbourhood, these are the things you are going to render accounts of, when you are at the judgement seat of God. So couples should have all this at the back of their minds, because that is what has been helping me. Since I know that if I deal with my husband in a manner he does not like, God records every bit of my action, I am always careful as to what I do or say. God is sending you on a mission in the marriage to please Him. When you are focused on that you will make sure you please Him in your relationship with your husband. The summary of it all is that one has to forgive. A book I read defined marriage ‘as the coming together of husband and wife who forgive’. That is, the coming together of two forgivers. So you discover that when your focus is on God, there is no need to carry in the heart hurt from any disagreement for days because you don’t know when the call will come. Those are the ingredients that build a good home.