Have you heard the news? Sounds like a song by Jimmy Cliff, right? Well, tomorrow is Nigeria’s Independence Day. Some wonder if the day is properly dubbed. Because, 59 years since the British left, those from whose limbs the shackles of colonialsm fell off as ours have since left us behind. That is the reasoning in certain quarters.
So, rather than Independence Day, they feel the day is a memorial to the country’s unending dependence on rigmarole, a cyclic journey to nowhere.
I remember how, as a little primary school kid, we used to practise march past. But then, my parents never allowed me to follow through to the parade ground at the local government headquarters because, to them, I was still small and could get missing. It made me so sad but on one occasion in the mid-70s, I got my break; I was allowed to go to the parade ground. It was an anti-climax though. I was handed over to an elder relation, who must ensure that I did not run off and get missing or be trampled under feet. So, right from the rickety bus that took us to Umuelemai, I was under guard, sort of. As others milled around, enjoying themselves, I remained under guard but was fascinated by the mamoth crowd, having not witnessed anything like that before in my little rustic village. Soon, we boarded our bus back home and as it creaked through the uneven road, I seethed with rage, disappointed and sad, wishing it were better I hadn’t gone at all.
The same sadness envelopes me now, thinking about this Lilliputian celebrating yet again, merely a year short of hefty three-score years. Shamefully, that road that took us to Umuelemai over 40 years ago is still ridden with potholes, even wider now.
We were in a hurry to send away the British and they were smarter to put us on a leash, as they left. That is why the so-called independence they gave us is dependence by another name. The only independence we truly have is to loot and kill ourselves.
We don’t depend on anybody to make the country homeland of Fulani worldwide. We are so independent we can turn other people’s farmlands and mothers’ hearths to grassland for our cows. We don’t depend on anybody for our selective ingenuity at turning pythons to dancers and making crocodiles to smile in some places while also holding tea party with bandits and giving them hefty sums to enjoy themselves in other places.
So, who says we should not celebrate? There is yet no country that can equal our prowess. We are not afraid of darkness because the dark powers of the earth guzzle our billions but still annex our land and are generous to enable us see in the dark. Moreover, we can comfortably drive through valleys because the contractors are independent and can take centuries to complete three-kilometre roads.
Those who say we should not celebrate are either nitwits or naïve. They can’t recognise a genius when they see one. Imagine! Which other country in the world has the relics we were taught in primary school social study clasees decades gone by still occupying the political space? Who can equal their experience? What is wrong with these lazy upstarts, yearning to succeed their fathers before they are done? Do you inherit a living man’s estate?
People don’t even seem to have noticed Nigeria’s ingenious population control strategies, using the locust army other countries dread. These poor randy blokes acquire four wives apiece, filling everywhere with children. Thanks to benign cleansers like Boko Haram, bandits and even herdsmen, helping to trim the population now that we are beginning to produce our own rice so that those that survive would have enough to eat. Moreso, the land needs the spilled blood and rotten cadavers for improved fertility.
But come o, this mass grave discovered in Benue…hmmm. And the 300 people discovered chained in Kaduna, haba! How can people be so beastly despite the glorious bounties in the land? Mischief-makers are saying there is hunger in the land. So what? Was that not why we tossed Jonathan away; why still whining?
Roll out the drums and let’s celebrate jo. Parents are now free to sell their babies to buy bread or consign them to slave camps anywhere. Bring the weak limbs and faint hearts to the parade grounds countrywide. Come pay homage to the exemplary leaders; let the envoys of foreign missions rejoice with us and regard not those that mistake the joy on your faces as bemusement and mockery. Let us showcase our strength. We are the giant of Africa; the most populous and parlous (sorry, popular) black nation.
Nation? Yes, nation. It is funny when people say we are not yet a nation. Haba! Be charitable nah. We merely recline more on our religious and tribal divides because that was where we were born before we began to hear Nigeria. And because of our leaders’ creative clannishness that wisely compel them to begin their charity at home. Unfortunately, the bounties finish before they get to other tongues. Nevertheless, this triviality cannot divide us. So, we are all very proud to be Nigerians, only the jobless lazy bones are not.
Is it anybody’s fault that people go to school to study nonsense courses instead of learning to bake akara or prepare tuwo, which government would still ask them to do after years of tortuous study in the university? Even now, government wants them to go into farming but they are asking for machines. Did I not tell you they are lazy? Machines for farming? Pray, how did our forefathers cultivate the land?
So what if we love foreign foods and clothes? It is just that we have taste buds for foreign goods. What is wrong with that? After all, we can afford it, can’t we? Why is it a problem if we also depend on foreign banks to hide our loot? It is a lie to say that we are enriching their lands and starving ours. Anyway, it could be a sign of magnanimity. Did not one of our leaders say we have so much money we didn’t know what to do with it?
Was that why jealous British courts awarded a meagre $9.6 billion fine against us with the connivance of our people? That is a small matter though. It is not anybody’s businesse if we choose, officially, to be independent looters and scammers.
I know many will care less about going to the parade ground tomorrow. I know many unpatriotic citizens will refuse to paint their houses and cars in the national colours. They would rather go under the scorching sun or weeping heavens to scrounge for a few coins despite the glory of these past 59 years. That is because Nigerians like money too much.
Please, take time to rest tomorrow. Come, let’s meet at the parade grounds. Don’t forget to bring the national flag with you. Let’s wave happy birthday to Nigeria and to one another. Despite all, we are not expected to mourn tomorrow, should we?
Hello Nigeria, happy anniversary!