Glaringly, we are trapped, and that is for real. So, we are desperate to run away from this madness in the name of politics. We are worried.
This is no pretence. Unarguably, our own brand of politics is out of this world. You cannot find its kind in any sane clime. It has no duplicate, no rival anywhere else.
They insist ours is homegrown, whatever that means to them. They strive to convince us that it is specifically designed for us. And we are wired for it in return.
But this democracy is getting messier by the day. It is collapsing by every minute. The more you look, the more you are lost in the whirlwind. The more you get involved, the more you get yourself messed up.
The more you think you know, the more empty and confused you discover you are. To make the hopeless matters worse, things are happening at the speed of light. You can never catch up with Nigeria’s politics and its irritant and irritating politicians.
No part of the country is practically spared. The major gladiators are given: the All Progressives Congress (APC) and the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). They are clearly in the forefront. They are the elements ruling (ruining?) our world. Others are trailing in the far distance behind. But by far, APC has the lion’s share, maintaining a comfortable lead in confusion and disorderliness. It is the rave of the moment in chaos and crisis. It is like a pandemic.
And we are enjoying every bit of its disarray and untidiness with relish. The turmoil is wreaking havoc all over. And APC does not care a hoot. It is not anytime ready to halt the commotion and the tumult.
So, let the beats go on. The spread is alarming, amazing and amusing all at the same time. We cherish it without regret. Name it, Edo, Rivers, Abuja, Ondo, Ekiti, Benue, Oyo, et al. APC is everywhere taking the hard bouts in reckless abundance, and almost in ruins.
Last week was particularly hectic and out of tune with APC. The party sank deeper into the abyss. Old scores were brutally settled. Some of the “powerful” were pulled down; and some “favourites” were lifted up. How are the mighty fallen!
It became a “roforofo” fight, like street fight. Almost every known member of APC became a “dogged” fight. It was shameful display of the dirty brawl they are made off. Trust them, they showcased it with all the incautiousness in them.
The eggheads of the party were forced to gather in Aso Rock. Then real owners of the party showed up and took perfect control of their dear party; shutting out the commoners in their midst. That meeting was a political masterstroke.
Edo State was becoming a hell before the actual proprietors of APC came to its rescue. They struck last week and that was it; it was like never before. The state was having the best of times in the APC pandemic. The awkward arrangement was taking its toll on the state.
The time bomb was on standby, waiting to be carelessly detonated. The characters involved were behaving as if nothing serious was at stake. Their actions and inactions were nothing to write home about.
They were arrogant and selfish. They were simply evil with devilish intentions. They were parochial and heavily narrow-minded. They ought not to be leaders in a normal setting. Yet, they recklessly called the shots.
Edo was the latest political chessboard. And it played that uncommon role to the admiration of us all. We were disgusted, yet delighted that things were happening that way.
Parties with uncanny audacity irresponsibly swapped governorship candidates with the highest ignominy. It was another level of cross-carpeting. APC was rash and thoughtless. It mindlessly threw its aspirant, Governor Godwin Obaseki, away, not for lack of performance but because somebody somewhere, an emerging godfather and tin god, did not like his guts.
So? What was a good product for APC in 2014 turned sour and acidic.
That was how Obaseki became a bad market in 2020. How times fly and change! Whereas Osagie Ize-Iyamu was highly vilified in 2014 as PDP candidate by APC, the same Ize-Iyamu is now the toast of the same APC.
Stranger than fiction! PDP was forced to play along. It was just feasting on the pandemic ravaging APC. And it coasted home with Obaseki as its gubernatorial candidate. The same man PDP fought dirty in 2014 using Ize-Iyamu as its flag-bearer.
Whether he would win or not is another debate. But PDP did the appropriate thing in collecting the stone the APC risked to ignore.
Both parties have trashed into the dustbin what they showcased for Edo in 2014.
They are, however, clever by half. They still believe in the same candidates somehow. That is the reason they perfected that absurd arrangement.
They went back to their different drawing boards. They consulted wide and wild, digging deeper this time around. They turned over many files and burnt many midnight candles.
Then they met their miracle. Luck and fortune smiled on them, that is their belief. They came out with a formula that beat all permutations and imaginations. We are all dumbfounded. We are speechless with their kind of result and presentation.
It appears unthinkable. But that is the stark reality. It is the nightmare Edo is destined to live with, at least for now. This is the cross Edo must carry; it is the pandemic called APC.
PDP is not immune to the pandemic. It is fast catching the cold. Governor Nyesom Wike of Rivers State caused a big stir. He nearly washed his hands off Obaseki. His grudge with the party’s National Working Committee (NWC): “I know the members of the NWC of PDP who connived with a national newspaper.
“They are tax collectors. Let them challenge me and I will come out with more facts. Nobody will rubbish me by raising false accusations against me. I will fight back.”
Somehow, Wike was persuaded to sheathe his sword, spear, bow and arrow.
Just in good time, the smeared and maligned Vice President Yemi Osinbajo strayed in. And he perhaps provided a clue to this ravaging malady. His utterance was not a mistake.
His target could be easily identified. Osinbajo was clear in his mind. He said it and moved on immediately. Leaving the preys to lick their festering wounds. He did not mince, mix or miss words. His confession:
“There is no question that we are dealing with large and expensive government. But as you know, given the current constitutional structure, those who would have to vote to reduce (the size of) government, especially to become part-time legislators, are the very legislators themselves.”
We dare the legislators to respond. That would be a great risk! They dare not!
•NOTE: This piece was meant for this column last Thursday.