Although Junaid insists that this group of people called carbide exists in Aso Rock, the Presido has come out to state categorically that there’s no such thing
Chika Abanobi
Earlier this week, Voice of America, Hausa Service, asked our Presido whether there is any carbide in Aso Rock, as being alleged by his wife, Aisha, and a few other disgruntled Nigerians. His answer: There is no carbide in Aso Rock. “I challenge those alleging such to show single evidence.”
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But Dr. Junaid Muhammed, Nigeria’s Second Republic lawmaker, speaking in a newspaper interview, earlier this year, precisely in February, claimed that, unlike Aisha, the Presido’s wife, he has more than a single evidence to show. In fact, he mentioned about 10 people, mainly Presido’s in-laws, nephews and cousins, as belonging to that special group of chemical or gas called carbide.
According to him, they include: My Man the Law (Lawal?) Daura (who had always diligently performed his duty as our man who art in Aso Rock before he was ceremoniously (or, is it unceremoniously?) removed by Prof. Osubade (Osinbanjo?) for performing the Aso Rock duty at a wrong, off-limit place called National Assembly when he allowed those who wore masks to stop and search those who don’t); Haba Caring (whom, I am told, is there to care for the interest of those who say “Haba” or “Kai, this one don do” at the time of any appointment) and Baba Chill Lawal (who, I learnt, used to chill things, (including bottles of beer?) that are getting too hot before he himself was, sometime ago, asked to go and be chilling his feats (?) somewhere until the storm of outcries over his sins as the esekere (Secretary?) to the Federal Gum-ment is over).
Others are: Minister of Anterior and Interior Decorations (?), Minister of Aviary, who Junaid described as Presido’s elder sister’s son, Sir Be Yourself, said to be the son of My Man’s immediate younger sister, My Man’s daughter married to one of the Dan of Tata (motors?), My Man’s younger brother and L.K, married to My Man’s daughter and a few other members of the carbide whose names or initials are not mentioned here.
Junaid Muhammed noted that although none of them was elected into power, just like Aisha noted in another Hausa Service foreign radio interview, sometime ago, they wield such enormous powers that make them to continue to take decisions that affect all Nigerians. In fact, he called them de facto rulers of Nigeria.
Although Junaid insists that this group of people called carbide exists in Aso Rock, the Presido has come out to state categorically that there’s no such thing anywhere in the place. So? Who do we believe: our Presido, or, Junaid, his alter-ego? On my own I have decided to close my eyes to the facts and figures provided by Junaid and believe our Presido’s denial. Is he no longer the Mai Gaskiya (the Man of Truth?). And, if he still is, then I would rather believe him than bandy words about figures and facts. Blessed are they who have not been to Aso Rock to see things for themselves and yet believe!
Oya, those of you who claim that carbide is one of the improvised explosive devices (IEDs) being used by the Islamic State of West Africa arm of Boko Haram to cause havoc all over the place, produce your evidence or, forever shut up.
So? Our “change” government cannot be run by carbide because, in the first place, carbide has a foul pungent odour that would nearly want to make you vomit. It smells bad, very bad. Number two, it explodes if not carefully handled. And, if there is no carbide odour coming from Aso Rock, how dare you, in all honesty, claim that Baba’s government is being run by carbide?
Someone said, sometime ago, that if he opens his mouth and talk, Nigeria will burn (born?). I warned him to better not open his mouth because we don’t want Nigerians to continue to born. Already, we are overpopulated – you can always ascertain that by standing somewhere to watch the number of Nigerians chasing one useless, smoking onyupa bus or car to board. So? Where we will put the next population explosion if we allow Nigerians to continue to born, just because someone opened his abuna? Please o, tell the person not to open anything, mouth or whatever. And, if he must talk, then he should do so by closing his mouth while doing so, as opening his mouth wide or narrowly would be dangerous to our collective health. That is to say, if at all, he must open it, then he should not talk. Call it suspense, surprise, suspended animation or whatever, that is the law for now.
They say that carbide is used in some parts of the country to cause fruits to ripen prematurely or artificially. As a proof of how wrong Junaid was, look through the list he provided and see whether there is anybody among them that causes fruits or dividends of our democracy to ripen before their time. Check whether there is anyone whose appointment was facilitated by the influence of the carbide.
Calcium carbide, they also say is a toxic and highly dangerous, corrosive chemical. Fruits that are ripened with this chemical, it is claimed, can cause several harmful effects to the human body such as cancer, apart from the fact that it produces acetylene gas that is said to be flammable and explosive.
I don’t remember any of the names that were mentioned by Junaid, that you will say is highly toxic and dangerous. I can’t remember any of them whose activities can cause harmful effects on our collective body as a sovereign state. I don’t remember any of them whose conduct is cancerous to our body polity. I don’t remember any of them whose utterance is flammable or explosive. I don’t recall any of them who make things happen before their time at Aso Rock. Or, do you?
These and other things are the reasons why I agree with our Presido that there is no carbide at Aso Rock. It is even dangerous to store up cartons of it there especially in this season of festivities. Come to think of it, if they start exploding, you may not be in the best frame of mind to distinguish between the sound of knockouts or firecrackers from the sound of IEDs being used by Boko Haram insurgents.
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Re: Searching for Jimi Agbaje among the vulcanisers and tailors in Lagos
You write as if Lagos does the tailoring business of a thing better than Aba. If truly Agbaje wants freedom from Tinubu for himself and all Lagosians, I would suggest that he and, indeed, all Lagosians, who want freedom, come to Aba to learn their tailoring. That way, I can assure them of getting their freedom faster than they could ever imagine, from Tinubu, if really, as Asiwaju himself suggests, that is the kind of freedom Agbaje is talking about.
– Onu Victor Ndidi, Amaokwe Isiama, Onicha, Ebonyi State, 08030918192