It is sad that a lot of Nigerian men are immature. It is sad that these men who have almost nothing meaningful to offer women except possessing a sex organ and over-bloated ego think they are God’s gifts to women.
Sometimes, I am tempted to ask some men why they have refused to grow despite their age and achievements in life. If you engage some men in serious conversations about relationships, you will be appalled by their mentality.
Many men are immature. They are so immature that they believe that it is women’s responsibility to keep relationships. They believe that as long as they give their women money, they can behave anyhow and it will be justified because they are men.
Most men are so immature that they cannot protect their women from the attacks of their family members and their friends. They let people treat their wives and girlfriends like trash and they still expect these women to be happy by their sides.
Last week on social media, the issue of mothers-in-law slapping daughters-in-law came to the fore again and I shuddered reading the comments of some men and women on different posts on Facebook discussing this issue. It was glaring from what I read last week that many women are in hell and they claim to be married.
First of all, I don’t see a reason why a mother-in-law thinks she has the right to raise her hands on her daughter-in-law and the man who is supposed to nip this abusive behaviour in the bud is busy pretending that he doesn’t know what is happening.
Sometimes, when these women report the abusive behaviour of their mothers-in-law to their husbands, they are dismissed with a wave of hand. These men feel their mothers are justified but if the tables were turned, they won’t take the same abusive behaviour from their wives’ family.
If you marry an immature man, you have embarked on a long, sad and tortuous marital journey. Dealing with such men brings pains, regrets and heartaches. You are on your own if you are married to a man that is not mature enough to deal with serious issues.
Your partner should be the right combination of gentle but strong. Most men fall too far on one end of the spectrum. They may be gentle, but too sensitive. You might end up babying them, playing therapist, and catering to all of their moods, but they never really take care of you.
An emotionally immature man may be strong. He may have your back and be in control of his moods but he may not be a good communicator. He isn’t comfortable with you getting to know his softer side. He believes that men shouldn’t be emotional.Such men may support you, but they won’t open up to you. This behaviour leaves you unsatisfied in the long run.
If you want balance in your relationship, look out for emotionally mature men. Below are some traits of emotionally mature men women should look out for.
An emotionally mature man will express his emotions openly. If he feels insecure about his work or sad about something happening with his family, or if he just feels down, he will tell you. He lets you in. He confides in you. He knows that this is a part of feeling close with one’s partner—letting that partner be there for you.
While he is open about his emotions, he doesn’t let them rule the day. He can control them in a healthy way. In other words, if he’s disappointed about something that happened at work, he doesn’t bring a bad mood home. If he’s angry with a friend, he doesn’t whine about it throughout your entire date night. He still allows himself to be present and enjoy himself. He gives emotions the appropriate time and place.
If a man is emotionally mature, your emotions will never be inconvenient for him. He will never berate you for reacting to something that happened to you. If you are going through something tough, he won’t complain about not being able to deal with your issues because he had a bad day too. He will have room for his feelings and yours because he’s a considerate man.
While he will always listen to your feelings, he will be strong enough to tell you when you are wrong. If you are clearly the one at fault in a fight with a friend, he will gently tell you so. He wants you to grow and be the best version of yourself so he won’t enable unhealthy behaviours and thought patterns by just saying you are always right.
An emotionally mature man will be comfortable to ask you for affection. He’s comfortable saying he needs a hug or wants to be tucked into bed. He feels safe with you as his woman. He is secure enough to admit when he needs a little tender loving care from the woman who loves him. He doesn’t see it as being weak.
An emotionally mature man wants you to feel free and uninhibited. He wants you to have girls’ nights and go on girls’ trips. He wants you to do things and embark on personal projects that make you happy. He doesn’t see your freedom as a threat to his masculinity. He allows you be yourself as his woman. He also lets you know that he will step in should your freedom ever lead you to feel unsafe.
A mature man will encourage you to be strong. He loves that you are strong. He loves that you go after your goals, kick down doors, and take down obstacles. Whatever you think you can do, he also thinks you can do and he even thinks you can do more. He supports you all the way.
Such a man also understands there will be days you feel weak and feel down. He knows that there will be days you don’t want someone to push you—you just want someone to hold you. He doesn’t hold that against you. He becomes your comfort if that’s what you need.
An emotionally mature man is a provider. Even though he’s happy when you support him financially, he makes efforts to provide for your family. He may do jobs he doesn’t like or start a new business by the side just to make more money but he will not be comfortable with you being the sole provider at home.
This man loves that you are financially independent. He doesn’t see you having money as a threat. He doesn’t feel threatened by your financial power. He loves that you have your own goals. He respects and admires that you put effort and time into those goals, even if it means you spending less time with him. Even though he misses you when you take on extra work or spend time with friends, he loves that you also have your own life.
When all is said and done, an emotionally mature man loves that you want to be independent and can take care of yourself. But it is also important to him to be in a position to support you if you need it. He is your number one fan and cheerleader. He cheers you on as you take on the world in your chosen field. Such men are blessings from God.
Re: What if your partner’s parents don’t like you
You wrote this as if you knew my story. I once dated a guy who told me that we can’t get married because his parents don’t like me. I tried to get into their good books like he advised me to do but things didn’t improve. We broke up after two years of dating. It was painful for me because I really loved him and he loved me too but he couldn’t stand up for me when it came to his parents. Thank you for dealing with real life issues with your column. -Joy, Lagos
Kate, only God can reward you for solving relationship issues and saving marriages in our society. I have followed your write-ups in the past weeks and all of them are wisdom-packed. But surprisingly, some disgruntled elements continue to insult you. You also give them the chance by publishing their reactions. I doubt if any reasonable woman can spend a week with such narrow-minded men. God is your strength. -O. J. Segun, Lagos
Well done my super woman! I always like your column. Many partner’s parents have ruined their children’s happiness by saying they don’t like their partners and this is very bad. Please parents, let us stop this and allow our children move on with their choice so that we will not regret it at the end of the day. -Onuoha Onyinye, Lagos
It is better the relationship is cut off before it is too late. It can go further and the parents might end up breaking them apart. This is because in a relationship, anything can happen. -Chika Nnorom, Umukabia
I really enjoyed last week’s topic in your column. What you wrote in the article is the undiluted truth!
Please keep it up! -Mgbii Anthony Chukwuemeka, Abuja
Kate, your piece on “what if your partner’s parents don’t like you?” is just the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It is well-written, balanced and quite inspirational. Third parties can only break couples’ relationships only if the latter permit them. You are really doing a great work. Keep it up. -Afuwai Jehu, Kaduna