Apostle Israel Uhwonuwoma Oku, founder and presiding pastor, Home Builders Church, and his wife, Goodness Agnes Oku, have been married for about 46 years. He is a former director, Inter-Ministerial Relations of Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria (PFN), Lagos State. In this interview, the couple shared with GILBERT EKEZIE their marital journey, including their challenges and secrets of their marital success.
How did you meet each other?
Pastor Goodness: My uncle with whom I was staying in Lagos wanted to visit my mother at Gbere in Ijebu, Ogun State. So, I decided to take him there on a Saturday. On our way back, I met my husband with another man inside the same vehicle that we boarded. What attracted my attention to him was the music he was playing on a small radio cassette player he was carrying with him. As the music was playing, I enjoyed and sang along. My uncle was also there. But when we got to Maryland, Lagos, my uncle got down to meet his family at Ikeja, where he was living with his senior wife. But we continued the journey to Ajegunle, Apapa. When we got to Oyingbo, I wanted to get down. But the man that later became my husband advised me to get to Ojuelegba from where I could easily get a bus going to Ajegunle. So, I followed him to Ojuelegba. From there, we boarded a bus to Ajegunle. We were chatting inside the bus. In the process, he asked me where I stayed, and I told him that I was staying with my uncle. He told me he stayed at Boyejo Street, off Mba Street. It was on that note that we parted company. But thereafter, he continued to keep in touch with me till our relationship became stronger and led to marriage, at long last.
Apostle Oku: Before then, I had made an attempt to get married but it did not work out. So, it was a big problem, and my father was worried. My father and I used to communicate through writing. The girl I wanted to marry was living with her parents at Ibadan. One day, I visited her parents there with my people and on our way to Lagos, I met my wife inside the same bus we boarded. Right inside the bus, I was playing music on my small tape recorder, and in the process, we opened up a conversation. We were chatting, even when we had not seen each other before. Fortunately, she was going to Ajegunle, which was also my destination. So, when we alighted at the last bus stop, we exchanged contact addresses. It happened that where she was staying with her uncle, was not far from where I lived. Thereafter, we started visiting each other. From there, our relationship started getting stronger until we got married, at last.
How did you react to your husband’s marriage proposal?
Pastor Goodness: Initially, I did not see him as someone that would become my husband because we quarrelled a lot during our courtship. But I thank God that it later became a reality. Meanwhile, my mother kept on pestering me to get married because my younger sister was already married. Sometimes, if I visited them, they would be mocking me that I walked around, instead of settling down. But, I never bothered. When my husband proposed to me, I told my family that there was an Isoko man that wanted to marry me. As I was telling them that, I had it in my mind that they would shun me because my father told me not to marry someone outside Edo State before he died. But I was surprised that they accepted after cultural investigation and other enquiries.
What attracted you to each other?
Pastor Goodness: Like I earlier said, initially, I did not see him as someone that would later become my husband. But when I began to see his qualities as a caring person, I developed interest. Though he is strict, I cherish him because he is the only person that would make my day when it comes to marriage. He is also sociable and likes fun.
Apostle Oku: Like she said, I also did not see her as someone with whom I could live with under the same roof. This is because we quarrelled a lot during our courtship. But as the relationship was on, I started seeing her hidden treasures. She is hardworking and very intelligent. Because she is not staying with her biological parents, she did almost all the work in the house. That made her to know how to manage a home properly. At a point, my Yoruba friend living in the same compound with me, told me that she was a good girl, and that I should not miss her. When I asked him how, he told me that among all the girls who visited me, she was the only one that washed plates, clothes and cleaned my house. But others came to eat and go away. Unfortunately, I did not take such advice because I was not after marriage. Before then, my parents were on my neck to get married. Fortunately, she turned out to be the best woman for me.
Did anyone oppose your marriage?
Apostle Oku: I never had any tribal bias while I wanted to marry, but my uncle was not in support of me getting married to an Esan woman. I was told that their people are wicked. But that did not discourage me. When I wanted to marry her, I invited my parents to Lagos and told them. When my mother who visited last went home, she discussed it with my father. At the end, I told them that what I wanted from them was their support. This is because I did not want to disobey them, neither did I want them to be obstacles to my marriage. After looking into the issue, they accepted and gave me their blessings.
Pastor Goodness: I would say that my father, who would have opposed my marriage, died before then. He advised me not to marry an outsider. So, what my people did when I told them was to find out the kind of man I wanted to marry. Thereafter, they asked me whether I was ready to marry, and I said yes. That was it.
At what age did you get married?
Apostle Oku: I married her when I was 29 years old.
Pastor Goodness: I was 25 years old when I got married to him. He is four years older than I am.
What has your marital life experience been like in the past 46 years?
Apostle Oku: In marriage, there must be understanding. We reached a level when we were able to understand each other. We used the period to build our home. We made mistakes along the line, and at the same time, corrected them. We have six children. They are all independent, and are now doing well. Owing to the kind of training we gave them, they do everything in the house. I am happy today at 73 years, and at about 45 years old in marriage.
When we got married, I was living in a one-room apartment, without television and a refrigerator. I had only one standing fan and one radio cassette player. But we were happy, before we got married. I had a relationship with a Yoruba girl and her mother insisted that her daughter would not marry a kobo kobo. So they took her away with the pregnancy, and I did not see her for about 13 years. But I told my wife the story immediately we wanted to marry. When the girl grew up and started working, she insisted that they should take her to her father. Today, that girl from another relationship is my first child. But my first son came from my present wife. Immediately, she had the first child, we moved to a room and parlour. All along, she had a tailoring shop. She later got a paid job. But when she started having more children, we decided that she should not do a paid job anymore. We had our last baby before she took up another job. Meanwhile, she was the one taking care of the home. We did not have enough money then. So, we were very economical; we ate what we wanted and went where we wanted. I found myself very much interested in her. There was nowhere I went that I did not carry her along. Each time we go out, I tell her not to bother to know how I managed to know the place, be it a woman or anything, because she is closer to me than any other person and she understands. Meanwhile, when we wanted to marry I understand that she stopped at primary school education level. So, I decided to upgrade her by enrolling her at Sari Iganmu Secondary School, Orile, Lagos in 1982 after she finished having her last child. When I was going to Bible School, I also took her along. After some years, when our last two children got admission at LASU, I decided that she should join them. So, thereafter, three of them got admission to LASU at the same time. When the university published their names, people were surprised that the woman got admission with her last two children at the same time.
Pastor Goodness: We give glory to God for what you may consider the success of our marriage. When we started newly, we did not think it would be a blessed and happy union. But with perseverance, respect, understanding and fear of God, we got to where we are today. I am happy to be 69 years old.
What were the initial marital challenges you faced?
Pastor Goodness: I had no much challenges, except language barrier and type of food. But, later, I began to cope.
Apostle Oku: We did not face challenges as such because we studied and understood each other to an extent. I am privileged to have someone who understands me.
What usually brings misunderstanding between two of you?
Apostle Oku: I usually want to have my way on some issues, and, whenever I want to do that she would disagree with me. As a result, I would see her as being disobedient to me. In any marriage, if a woman has a good character and attitude, you should respect that. What I am saying is that my wife is intelligent and understands whenever things go wrong. Also, having different cultural backgrounds and foods, we found it difficult to cope at the beginning, but after sometime, she began to cope because she was ready to learn.
Pastor Goodness: We have misunderstanding whenever he refuses to admit his mistakes. You know, men always claim they are right in everything.
What is your spouse’s best food?
Apostle Oku: She loves Jollof rice with chicken or fish
Pastor Goodness: He likes garri and starch, with banga soup.
What advice would you like to give to younger and intending couples?
Apostle Oku: Intending couples should not allow anyone to find a spouse for them. Every man should choose a wife by himself and bring whomever he has found to God for perfection. If your wife is an extrovert, you should take it. God brings couples together from two different backgrounds and orientation so that they can study each other and come up with what they want for themselves. And, when they come together, they find a way to forge ahead. There is no perfect marital relationship; all we need to do is to have God as our foundation and guide. So, couples should try to be themselves and should not act, in their homes, on whatever their friends tell them out there. They should deal with every issue in their capacity, and not under any influence. Also, no one should allow himself to be pressurised into marriage, as there are so many factors that work against such. There is need to be patient and careful, because over a period of time, every marriage will start to improve. No one could say that immediately he saw his wife, he knew or that God said she is his wife. Anyone who says that is not telling the truth because God does not recommend a wife to anyone. There is always a time when a couple comes together. Again, in marriage, you do not say that this is the way it has always been; there are always changes.
Pastor Goodness: Women should be role models and should put their heads down in their marriages. They should avoid comparing their husbands with other men. One important thing that holds a marriage together is respect. Any woman who is disrespectful to her husband should not expect love and peace in the home because there will always be misunderstanding. It is unfortunate that young couples of these days do not heed advice. They act on what they see in the home videos or read, forgetting that the actors and actresses in the home videos are not doing what they act. So, we need to be ourselves as humans and see marriage as an important institution that deserves to be handled carefully with understanding, respect, tolerance and fear of God. I am enjoying my marriage today because I respect my husband. I see him as my father, brother, mentor and backbone.