The love story of Gboyega Toyin Gbadebo, an Egba prince and his wife, Mrs. Yemisi Gbadebo, nee Ogunbiyi, an Awori lady, seems to be a divinely ordained one. Although they were both undergraduates at the University of Lagos, their paths never crossed until they met in Ilorin, Kwara State, during the mandatory National Youth Service Corps for Nigeria’s new graduate students. The duo, who recently retired as Assistant General Manager, Ogun State Broadcasting Corporation, and Registrar, The Bells University, Ota, respectively, admitted that their relationship started as love at first sight. In this interview with MOSHOOD ADEBAYO, “Gbade’’ and “Yeme’’, as they fondly call each other share secrets of their 35 years of blissful marriage which, they confessed, hinges on love, tolerance, trust, understanding, forgiveness and fidelity.
How did your relationship start?
Wife: Gbade, over to you; how did it start?
Husband: I think, she’s right for her to have asked me to tell how it all started. It may be funny, but it’s the truth. I got to know her on my second day during the National Youth Service Corps orientation held at then Kwara Tech, Ilorin, Kwara State. I was one of the laggers (latecomers); about a week late to the orientation camp and it was on the queue that I saw this shapely lady in front of me. I was not seeing her face, but her back-view; she hung her boots across her head. The more I tried to take my mind off her, the more my mind raced back to her. I realized I was glued to her. Unfortunately for me, the girl I was yearning for did not know that someone was even bothered about her; she was busy chatting away with a guy beside her. This made me to think that she was probably engaged. But shortly, before she left the queue, she turned, looking for nobody in particular. This gave me the opportunity to see her face and I noticed a very slight mark on her cheek, which she later told me that she had when she was being forced to read with lantern by his father. Even though I was already in love through her back-view, the mark gave me wrong impression of her tribe. I was thinking she was a Hausa lady.
Wife: I think God helped our paths; because at that time, I was not looking for a boyfriend, but when Gbade came into my life. I thanked God I accepted him. So far, so good, God has helped our relationship. But let me tell you that all the time he said he was looking at my back-view, I did not know anyone was staring at me. It’s the Lord’s doing. How do I explain how the daughter of a school principal from a very disciplined background came in contact with a freethinker, a jolly good fellow? But somehow, I felt safe with him.
Why did you fall in love with each other? What was the point of attraction?
Wife: Why I fell in love with him? Gbade is too frank, too free, very humorous and down-to-earth and like to enjoy life. He’s not a pretender; he likes to call a spade its real name and nothing else. Our friendship grew, we had and we still have respect for each other. When we started, he never told me he loved me and I was also not looking for a boyfriend. Somehow, we grew so inseparable that our friends during the youths service thought we were couple before we got to camp.
Husband: It did not take much time for me to see those virtues that I was looking for in a wife in Yeme. She is loving, caring, intelligent, trustworthy and reliable among other qualities. I tried to show my love by trying to steal a kiss, but she rebuffed me.
Why did you rebuff his kiss?
Wife: Why I rebuffed his kiss? As the daughter of a disciplined school principal, who had never been exposed to such a thing, I thought he had overstepped his bounds hence I rebuffed his kiss in faraway Badagry where we had gone for a funeral of a friend’s father. Thereafter, we were trying to feel clumsy; clumsiness that was not there before, but I was so used to him and he was so used to me. I couldn’t run away from him. Wherever Gbade turned, Yeme was there and wherever Yeme turned, Gbade was always there. After the Badagry encounter, we returned to base, (Ilorin camp) and things began to unfold; but he did not take undue advantage of me; he was very protective; we did many things together during the camp. We had the opportunities of travelling to Lome, Togo for one week.
What were the reactions of your parents to your initial friendship, which later culminated in marriage?
Wife: There are no parents who would not want their daughter, particularly a graduate, to marry. But their fears are always that she does not get into wrong hands. Same happened in my own case, particularly with the guts of my boyfriend, Gbade, who, on the first time of visiting me at home, had the audacity of rejecting the soft drink my father offered to him and even going ahead to let his father-in-law to-be know that he drinks a particular lager beer and that he even smokes! In spite of this, my father did not put up a hard stance on our friendship. They allowed things to take its natural cause and I thank God for this.
Husband: My parents particularly my father, was favourably disposed to our friendship. In fact, he encouraged us to marry early, having completed our degree programmes. I must thank my father-in-law for accepting me for who I was then, because I had thought he would disapprove of the friendship, particularly when my wife let him know that I drink lager beer and even smokes cigarette. Rather than chastise me, he simply prayed and encouraged me to drop it after highlighting the dangers inherent in beer and cigarette.
For how long did you court each other?
Wife: The courtship did not last long, particularly when I got pregnant and this conditioned us to have the marriage earlier than we have envisioned. Maybe if I were not pregnant, I would not have married at the time I did. Left to us, we were not in a hurry to marry; maybe we would not have married until 1985 or 1986. I must let you know that my father did not like the pregnancy, particularly when we had not done formal introduction and other processes of marriage. He even told me that my marriage would not be holy. But Gbade and I were not bothered with his subtle threat. However, much later, he agreed that we should be and we thank God for this.
When and why did you decide to get married?
Wife: We did not really prepare for marriage. It was the pregnancy that forced us into marriage and we thank God for this. Frankly speaking, if I have known Gbade at UNILAG, maybe I would not have had anything to do with him. Why? Gbade was tough and too wild in school; a club guy and he’s still a clubman; you know what boys of those days were doing way back then. I would have perceived him as an irresponsible boy. He would not have fitted into my circle of friends, particularly from my own background and expectations of a husband.
Husband: That’s the truth, I was too wild in school and the thought of marriage never crossed my mind. Left for us, we would not have probably married until much later.
What were your initial challenges after getting married?
Wife: There were many, but we thank God for letting us overcome them. One of them was how to settle down and face the reality of a married couple. Gbade, a jolly good fellow was still partying as he did while a bachelor, leaving me behind at home with our first child, not minding that his social status had changed. What do I do? I asked myself and later counseled myself that I met him drinking his beer, met him in the company of his friends. Do I think he can change suddenly? I always counsel young people that they can rarely change their couple. Whatever you can’t tolerate, or live with when you were courting, just know that marriage may not change it.
What’s your perception of marriage?
Wife: To me, marriage is a divine school that mature male and female must attend in life. Although there are no visible teachers to teach you as students, the couple continues to learn everyday until death comes knocking. It’s a school where the students must have understanding, patience, trust, love and forgiveness.
Husband: Marriage is a divine school a couple attends, but never graduates from no matter their brilliance.
What has kept your marriage intact 35 years on?
Wife: It is nothing but mutual love, mutual respect and we did not lose our first love. We’re still committed to it and we nurture it from time to time. He makes me laugh, he knows my love language and I also make him laugh. Our love is natural, I did not and still I do not force him to love me. He loves me and I know it. Our love is reciprocal and we thank God for that. I have great respect for him. I allow him to be himself; he’s the master of his house, there is no pressure on him; neither does he mount any pressure on me too. It’s important not just to be in love but to remain in love. You don’t get tired of your friend or change your best friend; so that elements of friendship between us is still intact We can operate one-on-one as friends, we can operate as lovers; we can operate as boyfriend and girlfriends. We are always connecting; we are never tired of each other’s company.
Husband: Our marriage is the Lord’s doing. It is His grace that has kept us together; but one thing I would also say is responsible for our togetherness for this long is understanding; we understand ourselves and when misunderstanding comes, we know how not to let it last.
How do you settle differences?
Wife: It’s natural; differences must come among a couple, but it must not be allowed to drag for too long. Sometimes, Gbade gets on my nerves, but we don’t push it too far. He knows when I’m offended and he never hesitates to ask for forgiveness. From my background, I have learnt that marriage is forever; it’s till death separates us; that’s what both us have learnt when we first started. We have tried to chat ourselves on what our expectations are; asked ourselves whether divorce is an option in our marriage. Since he said no I’m also committed. So we are committed so we know that by force or by fire, our marriage must be forever and a happy one for that matter. Those things that are though travail but they are strong enough to break a marriage, we laugh over such differences.
Husband: As a man, the friction would usually come from me; but because I’m someone who could not keep malice, once I noticed that Yeme is not her usual self, I know I have offended him; so I don’t hesitate to ask for forgiveness
Have you ever caught Gbade cheating on you?
Wife: No, it never happened to me in the past 35 years that there could be something like that because of the trust we have for each other. I don’t think he ever thought of that about me too. I know he’s a lady’s man. I know girls admire and adore him, but it never crossed my mind that he could cheat on me! He has not given me sufficient reason to think about that and I did not also probe to want to know about that. A wife will be miserable all her life if the thought of her husband cheating on her occupies her mind. We have attended parties where ladies would sit on Gbade’s lap. Would I kill myself because of that? Marriage is about seeing and you pretend you did not see. Don’t forget I’m not unmindful of girls desiring him and sometime I do tell him that he should not think that men do not still desire me too. But it takes discipline on our part to understand each other. Way back then If I suspected anything about a girl, I used to warn him to keep off such a girl. He knows that I don’t just talk frivolously and Gbade is always protective of our relationship. Even now that we are advancing in age, we don’t take ourselves for granted. When I see any sign, I don’t keep quiet and I usually commit our relationship to God at all times. I always pray that no strange girl or man or children should come into our marriage.
Husband: Such a thought never came to my mind when we started and up till now, it has never crossed my mind. I have absolute trust in her and she knows and she has never done anything to let me doubt her in the past 35 years.
What’s your take on joint account by a couple?
Wife: How do you mean? You mean for us to maintain a joint bank account? We don’t have a joint bank account. You don’t really need to formalize it or make a big deal of having it. Gbade is an impulsive spender, who could spend all his money at random.
Husband: I don’t believe in it. As a couple, we don’t have and I even believe that it’s very strange to our culture.
Living with mother-in-law
Wife: Living with my mother in-law for about a year or so to me was another school in marriage that I attended when situation arose. While living with my mother-in-law, I learnt patience and endurance. One thing I think made me pass successfully through the school was the love that I have for Gbade, which I transferred to his mother. Anytime, we were to have any friction, I always remember Gbade, bearing in mind that she’s the mother of my husband, I must have great respect for her. This made me to cope with frictions that came and I have also learnt a lot while living with her.