Sometimes, when I listen to some Nigerian women talk about their horrible marital experiences, I begin to wonder if going through hell at the hands of one man is what it means to be in a committed relationship.

Day after day, some married couples make marriage look like a joke. The stories one hears about how men and women lie, deceive, and treat themselves in their union makes you begin to wonder why they go through so much trouble to get married only to mess up the whole thing.

I read about the heartbreaking story of a woman who got married four months ago and is already dealing with a philandering man who takes nude pictures of himself and sends to his lovers and they also do the same. I was pained.

You have been married for just four months and you are already hopping from one external hole to another like a hungry rabbit without considering how you are hurting your wife or endangering her life. And you want her to be faithful to you while you continue to misbehave with different women.

At this time, sane men are getting to know their wives well both physically and in the other room. Couples who are newly married are still walking in the clouds and exploring one another bodies after four months of tying the nuptial knot, yet this man is busy exchanging nude pictures with different ladies on Facebook.

If you know you want to live your life as a brostitute, be bold about it and live free. Don’t use marriage to deceive another person’s child while you continue your sexual exploration with different women without protection. Are you a dog?

It is unfortunate that many Nigerians don’t know what it means to be in a committed relationship. Some people grew up in families where their parents treated each other with disdain and they thought it is normal.

It is sad to hear many guys lament that today’s women don’t have the strength to endure physical, emotional and psychological abuse like their mothers and grandmothers did as if it is a thing of pride.

Some of these guys are quick to call women who refuse to tolerate abuse names for daring to demand to be treated with respect. They believe that being in a committed relationship means treating your woman like a doormat. They believe that they have the right to live single as married men. What a terrible mentality!

Some guys just want to get married just to please society. They are not equipped spiritually, mentally and emotionally to be married. They go into marriage because they are raised with the mentality that women must take care of them and clean up after them.

This is why some people will see a man washing his own clothes and tell him to hurry up and get married so that his wife will start washing his clothes. This means he will get married just to get a washerwoman and not someone he will be committed to for the rest of his life.

This is why some people consider it an abomination for a man to cook his own food. They claim it is a woman’s duty to cook, clean and wash yet these same people expect women to contribute financially to the running of the home. They test women for marriage based on cooking, cleaning and sweeping skills.

Many Nigerian men marry for the wrong reasons. They get married to have children, to get cooks, maids, house cleaners and women who will take care of them not because of companionship. It is sad. They treat these women with so much disrespect that you begin to wonder why they got married in the first place.

The annoying thing is that they expect women to be silent about their foolishness and endure their philandering. That is when you will start hearing different silly excuses why they behave like animals on heat.

They tell you that men are polygamous in nature and good women will pray their husbands into freedom from sexual promiscuity. They will tell you that Men are the head, while women are the neck that keep the head firmly in place. It doesn’t matter if the heads are not correct, women are supposed to put up with them.

Others who want to make excuses for men’s lack of commitment to their marriage vows will tell you that women must be submissive to their husbands even when their men are behaving anyhow. These women are expected to die trying so hard to keep their marriages to wicked and heartless men.

Commitment begins with desire. Each person has to want it and be willing to sacrifice for the other. It doesn’t make sense to expect commitment from one person and allow the other person behave as if they are not accountable to their spouse.

It’s easy to be committed to your relationship when things are going well. As your relationship changes, you need to have some resolve, make some sacrifices and take the steps you need to take to keep your marriage intact and keep moving forward with your spouse.

What does it mean to be in a committed relationship? It means having eyes for your spouse alone. It means respecting the sanctity of your marriage. It means treating your spouse with respect, kindness and empathy. It means playing and building good memories with your spouse. It means staying committed to a person through good and bad times.

Commitment doesn’t mean abandoning your wife if she can’t have a child, or abandoning her when she is diagnosed with a terminal illness. Commitment doesn’t mean jumping from one woman to another because some people told you that African men are polygamous in nature.

Going all in all in thoughts, words and actions is what it means to be in a committed relationship. Essentially, this is the strategy you should aim to live by each day. Relationships take work. There will be easy, seamless days, but there will also be conflict and struggle.

Value your time with your spouse. Spend quality time with your spouse. Don’t abandon your spouse all the time to go hang out with friends and expect that person to be happy. That is not how good marriages work. Value the moments you spend with your spouse.

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Think about what will make that person happy. Think about ways to improve your relationship, discover fun things to do and chores that will help make your relationship sweet. Express your love to your spouse through your actions. Show your spouse that you care about her. Make her feel wanted.

Actions speak louder than words, but that doesn’t mean words and thoughts don’t matter. Those are what contribute to your actions. So go ahead and treat your spouse with love, kindness and care. Tell your partner you love her. Let her know she is the most important person in your life. This   guide applies to the woman too.

You have to eliminate distractions and temptations if you want to stay committed to your spouse. Vices, temptations, minor distractions are the things that tear relationships apart. And most of the time, it’s not exactly the big-bang approach that ruins marriages but the slow, gradual, and deadly path to destruction that does damage.

Couples are always going to see things through their own experiences first. That’s a fact of life. But what separates great relationships from mediocre ones, is a willingness to understand your partner’s needs, wants and point of view. You have to throw your ego out the window and understand where that person is coming from.

When you are struggling emotionally with anxiety, worry or a feeling of inadequacy, there’s nothing you need more than someone to just listen to you.

Part of commitment to your partner is satisfying a need for them. Be a great listener. Do something kind. Always express a genuine interest in understanding their point of view.

In the end, men and women should focus on the things that matters most to them. They should make sure that they truly love and care for their spouses and treat them with respect. This is so important in striking the accord of commitment.

 

Re: What do men really want?

There are few men of honour who are sincere, considerate and humane in their expression of the qualities they want in a woman they desire to marry. The rest just want women they can control.

-Pst. Stephen, Abuja

 

Some men want to reap where they didn’t sow. They go after women with a promise to love them because they have money but after getting what they want from these ladies, they begin to show the ugly sides of their character. My advice for ladies is that they should be careful in relationships with men because some men are gold diggers.

-Chika Nnorom,
Umukabia

 

Kate, I don’t support the situation where men convert their women to slaves. Men and women are equal when it comes to romantic relationship as they complement each other. No man who loves his woman will enslave her.

Your view is logical but you seem to be ignorant of what men mean when they say they want intelligent women. What they want is a woman that is a lioness to the outsiders but a dove to her husband. This is how it ought to be otherwise peace will become a scarce commodity. –Dozie, Nnewi

 

Kate, you are always attacking men because no man wants to marry you. You exhibit your disdain for men all the time and that’s why you are still single at 40. Even makeup doesn’t make you look young anymore. You don’t have anything educative to say to couples with your column. You should stop misleading women with your satanic article before God punishes you. Evil woman!

-Obinna, Aba

While I agree with you that some men love to control their women and don’t know what they really want when they outline the qualities they want in women, you generalize a lot and focus on bad men without talking about the good ones.

Try to talk about the good men who are supporting their wives to be the best they can be. There are many of us still left in this world. Not all men are bad. Not all men are devils. Not all Nigerian men are wicked. Please change your mindset!

-Kayode, Abuja