I’m all for couples sharing confidences, being straight with each other. It is one of the best insurances a couple can take against external invasion. You know how the past sometimes comes calling at the most inauspicious time? Yeah, like your husband’s ex-girlfriend crawling out of the woodwork to pour sand sand in your gari with all kinds of tales by moonlight of how great they were together. A woman’s first reaction in that kind of situation will be to get all defensive and protect her matrimonial territorial integrity. But if her husband had told her about how this particular girlfriend cheated on him with his own friend or tried to ‘obtain’ him by pretending to be pregnant, the information would come in handy on the day of battle.
Imagine this conversation;
Evil ex-girlfriend: Is Zach still as fond of vegetable soup as ever? I made sure he always had a full pot in his fridge?
Before the wife would get in a response, she’d continue…
And after a heavy meal, I would massage his feet until he slept off. Does he still snore? Oh God, you know after wearing me out, he would fall into this deep sleep…(At this point, she would laugh one sexy laughter like that). My dear, we were so into each other, so much in love…
Wifey: (armed with secret from the past). Yeah, right, so much in love you cheated on him with Richard. Did Richard ever propose? How did you feel when my husband found out you were sleeping with his friend?
Need I tell you how that kind of dialogue would end? Of course the she-evil would crawl back to where she came from, her demonic tail in-between her ogbanje legs.
Whether in marriage or a steady relationship, I support the motion and notion that couples should tell each other everything. Don’t hold anything back so the enemy does not use secrets to spring surprises on your good stuff.
That is good thinking, right? In ideal situations too. But there is a ‘but.’ Can couples ell each other all the truth all the time. Are there exceptions to this unwritten rule or are there occasions and circumstances when withholding the truth is better than telling it? Are there occasions when telling a lie is kinder than telling the truth?
Let us consider the plight of Idowu. She told a truth that she is today regretting. Uche, her husband is a businessman who travels a lot. At first it was tough but Idowu gradually learnt to fit into her husband’s life and take responsibility in her husband’s absence. They live in one of those nice areas in Calabar and their five-bedroom house offered comfort worthy of a successful businessman. Uche in addition to the ‘maiguard’ also has a private security company watching over his property and family. But on one of his trips to China, gunmen invaded his home, traumatized his children and vandalized his wife. Yes, you guessed right. The armed robbers raped Idowu.
Idowu wept. She cursed. She went into depression. She could not tell the police, friends or family that two of the gunmen raped her. She went to the hospital and the doctor did what was necessary. And then Uche returned. He was distraught, naturally, at the financial loss and the trauma his family was subjected to. But then Idowu put the icing on the evil cake, blurting the rape story. It devastated Uche. He acted all strong and loving. He said the right words. He consoled his wife, sent her and the children on a two-week vacation abroad. But the damage to the Nnoroms’ marriage ran deep. Uche can no longer bear to touch his wife. He has not been able to make love to his wife since Idowu told him what the gunmen did to her that fateful night. Not that he didn’t try. He did. He just could not sustain an erection in his wife’s bed. All he could see were those evil men ‘vandalizing his workshop’, their evil fingers on his wife’s body. He has been travelling constantly, seizing every opportunity to avoid his wife.
Some men are strong. Some are not. Was Idowu right or wrong to confide in her husband, lean on the father of her children at such a time? Should she have just gone to the hospital and kept her mouth shut? Should a wife tell her husband that she was raped? Or is that one of those things that should be listed under ‘secrets to be kept forever’?
What would you do if you were Idowu or Uche?
Re- Men are wired to give, women wired to receive
Funke, God does not make mistake in His creations. That explains why He created man first to labour in keeping the garden of Eden habitable before creating, as a helper to Adam, Eve, as beneficiary of Adam’s labour. So, the principle behind “MEN ARE WIRED TO GIVE, WOMEN WIRED TO RECEIVE” holds in all areas of relationship between man and woman; even in multiplication of the family where man donates to woman the golden-egg, that achieves the common desire for multiplicity of family membership, under stress and pleasure. So, there is nothing new about ‘give and take’ principle between man and woman. The problem is the insensitivity of woman in her demand for what she takes. Although, that also complies with the two-side principle of creation; exemplified by “GOOD AND EVIL” dictum. What a divine formula! God is awesome! May the closing prayer in your piece be answered; to give man peace, Amen.
– Lai Ashadele.
According to William Golding, a woman does not only receive, she makes greater whatever she receives.
If you give her sperm, she will give you baby or babies.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home
If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. Thanks Funke for that wonderful piece, as always. Looking forward to Sunday, for another.
You are a genius. Funke may God bless you. Please more of this.
Happy Sunday Funke. They say don’t judge the week till it’s Sunday. For me I don’t judge the week till I have seen your Sunday article. Truly you were able to convince me that we are the giving animals. You got me rolling on the floor with that line “who did the wiring?”. Thumbs up, your article about the National Family Meeting was also the bomb as all your others.
Quotable Quote by Funke Egbemode: if a woman is a bread winner picking all the bills and taking care of the man, she begins to lose her feminity. She becomes cranky. She is not so warm in bed. She begins to lose the tenderness and capacity to receive because she has started to give instead of receiving. Everybody starts blaming her for being rude, arrogant and bossy but a woman is not wired to give and receive, she can only do her God given duties! When circumstances force her to do unnatural role, she starts acting deformed! Gbammmmm, preach on! Cheers
Re- Who can please men?
It’s been a pleasure reading your article for years, in fact my husband is a fan of Sun Newspapers but I’m a fan of Funke’s page. This article is something that worries me most in my marriage. After today’s topic I have come to believe that there is no answer to that question. May God continue to bless you as you empower woman and remodel families.