I don’t know who is likely to make both the long and short list of President Muhammadu Buhari’s cabinet members otherwise known as Federal Executive Council in his second term or Next Level that kicked off, on Wednesday, May 29, after being sworn in.
I don’t know who will not. So? Don’t come to me to submit your name for anything, for any post – it does not matter whether it is goalpost or post office. I did that for people in 2015 and it took all of six months or so to arrive at the list we finally got. But I won’t be doing so this year. I won’t be lobbying for anyone, for any post unless you are as short as Dr. Chris Ngige, Mallam Nasir el-Rufai, Comrade Adams Oshimohle or Prof. Yemi Osinbajo.
If you are as short as any of the mentioned names, then you can come to me for political office lobbying. I will help you. It’s a promise. You heard it yourself from the horse’s mouth, sorry, Ngige’s mouth when he said, at the valedictory session of the last cabinet, with the President that, among the short people in government, he is the provost while Oshiomohle is the Chairman, el-Rufai the Secretary and Osinbajo the Deputy Chairman.
You can see why I am advocating that all members of the second term Federal cabinet should be made of short people, men and women. By nature, short people are troublesome. What they lack in physique they make up in garagara and roforofo fight. Perhaps, you don’t know, when Bob Marley, the world-acclaimed Jamaican reggae maestro, of blessed memory sang, some years ago, that if you are the big tree, we are the small axe; we gonna cut you down, we gonna cut you down, by small axe he meant short people. Take it or leave it, they can cut the big tree down with their mouth, hands, leg, willpower, stubbornness, tenacity, just name it.
If you are a tall man, you can hardly win in any contest with short people. Before you say Jack Robinson, you are already down or kissing the canvass. Ask any tall person who had had any cause to have a brawl with short people. Ask Oshio-Baba, the man I call the Atawewe 1 of APC Autonomous Community. Or, ask Chris Ngige or el-Rufai or Osinbajo. You dare not throw them down in any wrestling contest, no matter how tough or fierce. They are sure to not only wrestle you down but also stuff your mouth with sand! Dare wrestle with a short person, man or woman, and the shame will be yours.
So, when you give such people a task, you can be sure they would box the task into submission. Put a short person in charge of our power ministry, for instance, and watch those giants hindering our access to regular electricity power supplies with their imported power generating sets go down like a house of cards. Only one powerful blow from a short and angry minister of power is what they need and you would see those who had been holding our pre-paid meters running to residential houses to fix them without collecting any connection fee, before he lands the next powerful blow on somebody’s jaw, what the Igbos call one blow, seven akpus (swellings or bulges).
Short people? Ah, you better fear them o. That’s why we call them odi-mkpumkpu na-eme ire (meaning, a short person that does great tall things or short person with tall achievements, that is to say, a short person always goes for a tall achievement). You can see why I want our Presido to fill his cabinet, this time around, with short people.
Put a short woman in charge of Ministry of Petroleum, and you can be sure of getting the stuff at N20 per litre, gas at N10 per kilo and kerosene at N5 per litre. Forget about the so-called powerful cabal or carbide. A short woman or man is more than 2,000-member cartel put together. In fact, if he or she decides to face them, they would be the ones running into one another in utter confusion in moments of engagement. Presido, just put one short woman there and leave the rest of the matter in her hand. She will fix it better than Mr. Fix-It, of blessed memory.
Now, come to the Ministry of Transportation and Aviation. By the time you put one short man there to manage the affairs of the place, you will find all demons and principalities standing in the way of progress asking for immediate transfer to the evil forest or Okija Shrine. None of them would like to stay behind to have an ego-bruising brawl with any short-man devil. None, I tell you.
Our aeroplanes would fly and land safely, and do so, in good weather too. Of course, there would be one seaport, dry or wet, it doesn’t matter, located at Onitsha. That is a sure-banker. All our sea-routes would be opened overnight. He would act like Brigadier Benjamin Adenkunle, of blessed memory. Decongested ports would be cleared within weeks, no matter the armada or Armageddon holding them hostage. Congestion at Apapa Wharf would disappear within minutes, not days. Our railways would work with the precision of a Swiss watch. There will be no more traffic jam or margarine on our roads.
I challenge our President to appoint a short person, a military man preferably, to man the Ministry of Internal Affairs and Ministry of Defence and see whether there will be any terrorist, kidnapper, armed robber, cultist, bandit, left anywhere in our land. A moving bulldozer, they will clear everybody that threatens our lives, not only with bullets and bombs but also with tough-talking bravado that will send fear in the heart of otherwise fearless people. Trust me, it will not be us that will be running and hiding from kidnappers, it will be the other way round, kidnappers and ritualists that will be running and hiding from us.
And, trust them, they will deliver within a short space of time. Short people? Please, don’t play with them o because behind their short physique, they carry with them the strength and fierceness of a lion. Dare them and you will have a lot of unsavoury tales to tell.
Appoint a short person Minister of Agriculture and she or he would burrow into the earth like earthworms and bring us harvests of food crops that would shame the nations of Israel, Mexico. China and United States combined. You would eat and eat and get tired of eating and still have some to export. Short people? You better fear them o. Just appoint short people as ministers and we will surely be on our way to our El Dorado. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.
Note: Reactions from readers are welcomed: For SMS, use 08111813046; for WhatsApp message, use 08034041645; for email, send to: [email protected]