I have it on good authority that my family and I were the first to plan solidarity visit to the President at Aso Rock before the South East governors…
I wouldn’t know why some people cannot mind their business while I am minding mine. Now, tell me, please, when did it become a crime punishable by query upon query or press conference – kind of questions, to visit our Father who art in Aso Rock, just to give him our mural (moral?) support?
Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, that is what I was planning to do before household enemies came with their wahala and forced me to abort the solidarity visit that my family and I had planned to pay our Presido. The household enemies I am talking about are nobody else but the rats, geckos and cockroaches in my house.
I have it on good authority that my family and I were the first to plan solidarity visit to the President at Aso Rock before the South East governors and Senate Deputy President, Ike Ekweremadu, and Leaders of Thought, nay, All Progressives Congress (APC) delegation from Benue State, led by Sen. George Akume, beat us to the game.
In case anybody reading through this is thinking that we have forgiven them for outsmarting us, we have not. And, from the look of things, I don’t think we will ever forgive unless somebody in Aso Rock (1), gives us our daily bread, nay, daily ration of the petroleum subsidy, or, if the worse comes to the worst, sama us with an offshore oil well somewhere in Delta or Bayelsa State (2), forgives us our boarding pass as we forgave those who did mago mago with our votes during the party primary and edged us out of the power loop.
Once again I ask: what is wrong in going to visit our Godfather in Aso Rock as others are doing? After all, he belongs to nobody – Fulani, Sudan, Morocco, Mauritania, Chad, Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa, Ibibio, Efik, Annang, Igala, Tiv, and he belongs to everybody – Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU), Nigerian Labour Congress (NLC), PDP, SDP, APGA, Fela Durotoye, FRESH, Rev. Chris Okotie, Obiageli Ezekwesili, Mama Put, agbero, blacksmiths, NEMA, just name it.
I am waiting for somebody to tell me that my family and I are not part of those he belongs to. Don’t worry, by the time I carry him on my shoulders, and Victor, one of my twin boys holds him by the left leg and Favour, his brother, holds him by the right, my daughter, Victory, holds him by the right hand, and my wife, by his left and together we run round Nkwo Emeke (Emekuku), Eke Atta (Mbaitoli, Ikeduru, Imo State), Eke Onunwa. Eke Ukwu markets in Owerri, Orie Agu in Mbano or Afo Oru, Afo Ogbe, Afo Ukwu markets in Ahiazu Mbaise, to present him as our candidate, you will know. Or, believe.
Anyway, my headache is what to do with the rats, geckos and cockroaches that made us abort the trip. Since then, I have used all I could lay my hands on, to try to wipe out their colonies. No way. I used Otapiapia, it didn’t work. I used Kill and Dry. No show. I used Sniper. For where!
The problem started when we were fully set to go and the rats, geckos and cockroaches insisted that they must go too because they are also part of the family. “Ah, ah”, one of the rats said to me, on behalf of others, “we have been living with you in this house for as long as we can remember and yet when you want to embark on such solidarity visit, you want to cut us off. You think you are the only he belongs to? He belongs to us too.”
“Is that why you tried to kill me with an insecticide?” Cockroach asked. “I am surely going to report you to the President when we get over there.” “If you like, report me to Lai Mohammed, don’t I have the right in my house any more to decide who goes and who stays?,” I said. “Comrades, let’s leave matter for Mathias on that one,” Rat said to Cockroach and Gecko as he called for a truce. “Our wori now bi say we no understand all these tok tok about taking it to the ‘Next Level.’ Our question, Oga, bi say if our lives bi like dis for the first level, how e go kom bi for dem Next Level which dem dey tok about?” Cockroach and Gecko agreed with Rat that that is a question worth asking and also demanded some answer from me.
“E be like say una don begin dey craze, abi? Na wetin concern me for dat one?” I asked. “No bi me una go ask dat kain question, na Festus Keyamo, the spokesman for Buhari Campaign Organisation. He said recently in a newspaper interview that anybody asking that kind of question is looking at the cover of the book rather than its content.”
At this juncture, the three turned to one another and asked: “Who bi Face Us (Festus?), Kee Ya (Divide It) More (Keyamo)?” “Ah, una no know am? Na big man im bi o. Na SAN sef,” I said.
“SAN?,” they asked. “Ah, e bi like say na from that SANfield wey dey Maroko for Lagos e come from. E bi like say we know am sef dat time when Maroko dey bubble with all kain of nyamanyama before Razak, abi Rasaki? come destroy am.”
“Ode (Numskull!), no bi SANfield dem dey call am, na sand filled or sand field, that is the place where plenty of sand dey,” I added for the sake of enlightenment. “Na wetin concern us weda na sand field or SANfield? Sand na sand,” Rat said. “Na wetin dey worry us sef? Na Presido we go ask dat kain question, no bi Face Us. Na wetin im know?”
“You can’t ask our Father in Aso Rock that kind of question. Ah, ah, it will be too embarrassing,” I said. “If that is the question you guys are planning to ask when we get over there, then we are no longer going. I don’t want any embarrassment.” The moment I finished saying that, confusion descended on the gathering like a tornado as everyone could be heard talking on top of their voices. And, that’s how we called off our planned solidarity visit.
It was still Rat who spoke next. “Em, make we no go. If dat Next Level comes and life come bi tougher than it is now, make nobodi blame me o. For dis level, na de small, small things wey fall for ground for your house I dey pick dey chop dey manage life. At that time, na human bodi I go dey chop o when una dey sleep.” Cockroach: “When Next Level comes and I no find something chop, I go dey fall inside stew, fall inside soup, fall inside soaked gari sef wey una wan drink. If you wan chop me, chop.” Gecko: “No bi flies I go dey pursue again to chop, na rice or abi lies.”