“My Lord, my being charged with malpractice is, to me, a travesty of justice because I have looked around this court (cot?). I can’t see those who committed other “mal-“sins.”
“You have been charged with malpractice, how do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?”, the judge said as his voice boomed across the courtroom. He adjusted his bifocals as he asked me the question.
“Not guilty, my Lord,” I responded before taking out my own bifocals to adjust as the court pleases.
“Could you explain to this honourable court why you are pleading ‘not guilty’?”
“Yes, my Lord, I can”
“Go ahead and do so. I am all ears.”
“You, all ears, my Lord?” Looking puzzled, I said, “I don’t think so. I am seeing other parts of your body, apart from your ears. From where I stand and looking at you, I can see your eyes, your hands, your legs, your tummy, your nose, the bridge of your nose, your mouth, your lips, etc. As the court pleases, my Lord, I want to say you are not all ears.”
“Look, we are not here to joke,” the judge thundered. “I said, Go ahead and address the court on why you should not be committed to jail for malpractice. I am listening, will you?”
“Message understood, my Lord. Is it in my own words or in the words of the learned profession?”
“In your words, if you may please.”
“Ok, my Lord. The reason I am not pleading guilty in this court is because there were many of us that committed this offence called “mal-” but I don’t know why only me is being arrested and prosecuted.”
“If I may ask, how many of you?”
“Many, my Lord, as many as the 170 million people they say make up the population of our country.”
“Explain what you mean”
“My Lord, my being charged with malpractice is, to me, a travesty of justice because I have looked around this court (cot?). I can’t see those who committed other “mal-“sins. For instance, there is maladministration and even mal-administrator. Yet, I have not seen any of them being charged to court, not even those of them who were caught in the very act.
“What other forms of malpractice do you know? Tell this court.”
“Ok, my Lord, if you want me to do so. They include mal-governance, mal-alignment, mal-development and mal-distribution. Like I stated before, there are other forms of “malpractice,” going on in this country but I think these will do for now.”
“Could you explain before this honourable court how these words you just mentioned – maladministration, mal-governance, mal-alignment, mal-development and mal-distribution constitute malpractice?”
“Simple, my Lord. Take, for instance, the word, maladministration, the dictionary I consulted defines it as “faulty, inefficient or improper management or administration, especially by a government body.” The question I want the prosecuting counsels to answer before this honourable court is, how did they leave out those who are engaged in this kind of practice at the local, state and federal levels of government in this country if they truly believe that malpractice is bad or an offence against our law?
“Good question. How about mal-governance?” “The same thing applies, my Lord. The same dictionary defines it as “poor governance.”
“Another good point! Please, go on!”
“Thank you, my Lord. Mal-alignment is defined as bad or wrong alignment, like some of us leaving APC to join PDP or PDP to join APC. It defines mal-development as poor economic, human and social development and mal-distribution as bad or undesirable distribution, like the lopsided distribution of key posts in the country to favour a particular section of the country. My Lord, all these and more are the reasons I call my trial and prosecution in this court a great travesty of justice, in fact, the greatest of all mal-practice.”
“By the way, which malpractice are you talking about? Exam malpractice or what?
“You said so, not me, my Lord. I just said malpractice, if you put exam before or behind it, na you sabi. God is my witness that I never used the word exam, it is you who did. Or do I look to you like Adeleke who is being charged with such offence?”
“So, it is Adeleke who is being charged with exam malpractice. You, what are you being charged with?” “Just malpractice, my Lord. Come to think of it, I have never danced like Adeleke as to warrant being compared with him in any way. For one, he dances Azonto and to Davido’s music. Me? I dance to Abigbo Mbaise, Alija, Ese, Agbacha Ekurunwa, Ogbonge-lenge, Ekwerikwe Mgba, Oliver De Coque, Osadebe, JONEZ and Dr Sir Warrior and His Oriental Brothers.
“For arguing so intelligently, you are discharged and acquitted.”
“My Lord, what did I hear you just say?”
“You heard me, correctly. I said for arguing your points well, you are hereby discharged and acquitted. That is to say, you have no case to answer unless the prosecution chooses to appeal the judgement in a higher court (cot?), which they are entitled and welcome to. But, as far as this court is concerned, you have no case to answer.”