It’s not shocking to me that in 2019 a lot of people still consider sex something a woman gives and a man takes. This notion will continue to be fostered by the overwhelming campaign in favor of feminine virginity.
Trust me when I say feminine virginity, because in actual fact, where religion and culture say they promote the practice of maintaining virginity up until marriage, they only concentrate and mount so much pressure on policing the feminine hymen.
None of these sectors give a hoot about what a man does with his penis. From childhood, boys start experiencing erections and puberty clocks at the age of nine. Wet dreams begin from that age and so does ejaculation.
Long before a boy attains 18 years of age, he has already become a master at self pleasuring. He knows exactly where his pleasure buttons are and has made a habit of sexually satisfying himself and society waves it off with the point that it is natural. He is a man and it is part of his development. Isn’t it natural and part of the development of women too?
While the boy child is evolving, developing, exploring, owning and mastering his masculinity, the hymen and the sexuality in general of the girl child is being barricaded and policed from here to Timbuktu.
Little wonder a lot of women consider orgasms something men enjoy exclusively while using their female bodies as a means to that end.
Isn’t this why the power dynamics in a relationship changes once a woman has sex with a man? Isn’t this why women feel used when men break up with them after they have been intimate? Do you know any guy who would feel used simply because you broke up with him after he had sex with you?
Clearly, sex is perceived as something women engage in for the benefit of men. So we are not expected to derive pleasure from sex and the longer a woman holds on to her virginity, the longer she holds on to her power. Isn’t this the lopsided misrepresentation of fact that society has sold to us subliminally?
There are a zillion books on steps and strategies with which women can pleasure their men and satisfy them in bed in order to control them or keep them away from other women.
Kayanmata is selling like wild fire but rarely do you find a book on how women can take pleasure and reach the pinnacle of sexual satisfaction. Isn’t that fascinating?
Given that in every consensual sexual activity the one party who is not in doubt of how or if he would gain sexual satisfaction is almost always if not always the man.
While the average woman is confounded by her body, her sexuality and her womanhood, you would expect that women be encouraged to start on time to explore their sexuality but this is not the case.
Even if the average woman had the most patient and vibrant sexual partner, she couldn’t show him a blue print to her climax point.
The obsession with the female genitalia and the pressure placed on the woman to keep her legs closed, preserve her body and her virginity only to grant unfettered access to a penis that has been jerking off since age 10 is a demand I find strange and unreasonable. To what end, I ask?
Logically, what are the advantages of asking women to keep their virginity and refrain from exploring their sexuality? What really is the objective behind religion’s and society’s caging of a woman’s sexuality? Are you asking questions?
Go through your Bible and pay attention to the marital practice of showing of the blood stained bed sheet after a couple’s fresh consummation of their marriage as proof of a woman’s virginity.
Islam’s idea of a carrot and stick approach is offering her faithfuls a bevy of virgin ladies to have sex with in the afterlife.
Culture is rife with its propagation of various modes of female genital mutilation (FGM) to inhibit a woman’s desire for sexual pleasure.
Everywhere you turn, different sectors reaffirm the societal construct that a woman’s sexual expression and indulgence must be suppressed.
Why? Why are women discouraged from exploring their sexuality which is a significant part of their femininity?
Why are they stopped from knowing their wants, their likes, their desires, what pleasures them and mastering their own bodies? Isn’t this a significant part of human development?
Why are they asked to wait until they are married to discover a pleasure that resides within them? Why?
Doesn’t that place their sexual fulfillment at the mercy of the sexual proficiency of their spouses?
Doesn’t that mount unnecessary pressure on the men, to be responsible for discovering what brings pleasure to our own bodies?
Isn’t this exactly how some women end up in their graves without ever experiencing the liberty of the reckless abandon that comes with an orgasmic release?
Why are men not expected to be dependent on women or marriage to discover their own sexual pleasure? What is it about the sexual liberty of the woman that threatens this society so bad?
It’s a popular notion in this society that you can tell when a young woman has started having sex. They say her walking steps change and she becomes rude and opinionated.
They say, can you imagine, I’m talking and she is talking back at me? I don’t blame her, when she has started doing what her mother is doing, why won’t she think we are mates.
Is that it? Is it the possibility of owning and displaying that feminine confidence, sassiness and powerful sensuality that has got them worried? Oh! I understand. They need women tame, naive and humble, which is why many would prefer to catch them young.
This is a great case for the continued practice of female child marriage in Nigeria. It is a struggle but trust me there is so much social conditioning for women to unlearn if they want to truly explore their sexuality and enjoy sex as much as men do.
Are you asking questions or are you still comfortable choking down everything you have been told your whole life, hook, line and sinker.
Do you still believe that once you have sex with a man, he has used you? Do you still believe that having sex with a man reduces your worth as a woman? Do you still see sex as something a man enjoys at the expense of a woman?
When a woman embraces her womanhood, explores her body, masters and gains autonomy over her sexuality, void of psychological fear or shame powered by religion or culture, she has finally arrived.
There is an innate power of femininity she gains access to and possesses the liberty to wield. That aura is unbelievably sexy. A woman who has gotten to this point in her life is free. She is free from society’s shackles and bondage.
Written by Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan
Re: How ladies can turn down potential dates
Greetings Kate, you should know that men and women are not equal. From the creation of the world and mankind, women were created to be under men. God made it that way and nature made it so too. Any lady who refuses to date a man on false belief that men and women are equal is making a big mistake. Man marries woman and not the other way round. Men pay bills while women go to kitchen and get food ready. Men sit in the sitting room reading your column. It is law of God and nature. -Fr James Ekpeh
What make ladies fail to keep appointment with men is because of the character some men are exhibiting after they meet them. These women feel like keeping a date with men they don’t trust well can lead to pains, heartbreak or even potential danger. It is better they ignore appointments with some guys to avoid shame. -Gordon Chika Nnorom, Umukabia
Kate, well done! I hope ladies are listening. Greed has beclouded the thinking of most ladies. Hardly do they know their worth. They keep record of how many men they have dated. Their resistance is weak. Some go out of their way to receive attention. They lie without conscience. Many are gluttonous about food. They keep falling for baits without thinking. They need orientation just as you are trying to do. Keep up the good work. -Femi Oni
Thanks for being undeterred, courageous and focused despite unabated vilification by few thoughtless and unrepentant sadists. Many ladies have suffered painful consequences due lack of wisdom on how to turn down undesirable guys date requests. I hope your write up will be a pointer to those at such crossroads and also a lesson for younger ones. May your pen never run dry! -Pst. Stephen, Abuja
Kate, I appreciate you for your sense of humour while putting down such a beautiful write-up. It shows that you are surely improving. I think this will go a long way to educate ladies that don’t respond well to guys who approach them for anything. Thank you. -Brainy Armstrong
Kate, I am an avid reader of your column. I love the way you state your points without mincing words. Your boldness in the face of the misogyny exhibited by many of your readers gives me joy. I love the fact that you have continued to educate women on the importance of putting themselves first in relationships instead slaving away and wasting years on ungrateful and wicked men. You are saving lives and resetting brains. Thank you. -Folasade Kukoyi, Akure
For the first time in your bitter existence you wrote something against women. I know it won’t last because you are a chronic man hater. Tell your fellow ladies to stop hopping from one man to another looking for whom to take care of their bills. Teach them to go and work with their hands instead of using sex to get money, human hair and latest phones from men. Daughters of Eve don’t end well because of greed. They shouldn’t end up like you either because you are an old maid trying so hard to remain relevant. -Obinna, Aba