When Sandra met Henry three years ago at an event, it was love at first sight. They locked eyes, smiled at each other and talked a lot. They communicated as if they had known each other for life.
Before they parted ways, they exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. That was the beginning of a loving relationship between them. They had dated for six months when Henry suddenly proposed to her.
Sandra was taken aback because they earlier discussed to take their relationship easy and not rush things. But he said he wanted them to get married as soon as possible because he couldn’t imagine his life without her.
Sandra accepted his marriage proposal because she was head over heels in love with this young man who meant the world to her. Even though she earned five times more than him, she felt love was enough to make their marriage work.
She got the shock of her life when her parents, uncles and aunts refused to give their blessings. They told her that marrying down in this society is a bad idea because most men have fragile egos and have a hard time dealing with spouses who earn way higher than them.
Sandra who was almost 30 at the time didn’t understand why her family refused to consent to her marrying the love of her life because of money. She thought love would make them overcome all their marital challenges. Their stand didn’t make sense to her.
Her dad told her not to make the worst mistake of her life by settling for a man who is way below her financially. He reminded her that she was ambitious and driven and it would affect her marriage in the long run but she thought it was just cheap talks.
Sandra stuck to her guns and insisted she would marry Henry. It was going to be him or no one else. She believed love was enough but she was wrong. It didn’t take long for everything her family warned her about to become reality.
Months after they got married, Henry wanted her to give him two million naira for a project he was working on. He didn’t want to tell her what the project was about but insisted that as her husband, he has a right to her money.
He also asked for soft loans occasionally from Sandra and whenever she refuses to give him the money, he would get blue with anger and threaten to destroy her career. He became emotionally distant, verbally abusive and manipulative.
The happy home Sandra dreamt of when she got married became a nightmare that she prayed to wake up from. It was one problem or the other everyday. Their beautiful love story turned sour because of money. She finally understood what her folks meant when they warned her not to marry down.
Verbal and emotional abuse became the order of the day in Sandra’s marriage. Henry cursed her endlessly. He told her that he married her for her money not because he loved her. He told her that she was proud and arrogant because she made more money than he did.
He reminded her that menopause was almost calling her name when he rescued her from the singles market. He mocked her with sponsoring their wedding because of desperation. It went on until Sandra couldn’t take it anymore. She decided to divorce him.
Then he started painting her black before friends and family members. He accused her of being unsubmissive because she is richer than him. He told her family members that she wanted to leave her marriage so that she could be free to prostitute herself. It was a mess.
The emotional and psychological stress took a toll on Sandra and she started having anxiety attacks. But with the support of her family and friends, she overcame that difficult period of her life. They got divorced even though it was tough.
All Sandra wanted was a man who would love and support her and also rise to the top in his career but all she got was envy, bruised ego as well as emotional and psychological torture. The experience opened Sandra’s eyes to the way things really work in relationships in this part of the world.
Sandra is not the only woman whose happily ever after became happily never after because she earned higher than her man. Most women who are successful and married men below their status end up regretting their actions. I know quite a few that walk on egg shells around their husbands so that peace will reign in their marriages.
Some of these men find it hard to deal with the fact that their wives bring in more money than they do. Their egos are so fragile that they read meanings into everything their wives say or do. They play the victim card whenever there’s a misunderstanding and claim their wives don’t respect them because they are rich and successful.
It is sad that even when women are willing to marry men who earn lesser than them, these men end up resenting them because they have been taught that men should be the primary bread winner. They feel bad that their wives have all the money they believe should be theirs. These men feel threatened by their wives success.
This is why women who marry down are usually not comfortable in their marriages because they make extra effort not to worsen the intimidation their men already feel for not having the money the women have.
Men deliberately seek out women who are less than them in all aspects of life, intellectually, by age, financially and even educationally and let’s not forget with less sexual experience. Then women are literally encouraged to lessen themselves in order to land a man.
In the past, mothers told their daughters not to overshadow boys with their intelligence and admonished them to act a little less smart so that they don’t scare their potential husbands away.
Today, things have changed and ladies no longer care about making men feel bad with their intelligence and financial power. These ladies go after their dreams and become successful. The sad thing is that a lot of men now befriend and marry these ladies just to make them feel bad for being ahead in life.
Some women are more educated and financially capable than their men. These women date and marry these men hoping to bring these men up to their level but unfortunately, in most cases, these men don’t feel the same way. They resent their guts and don’t hide it.
These men feel emasculated. They feel less than men because their wives are earning more than they do. They feel disrespected whenever these women express their dissatisfaction over something they did or didn’t do.
They tell family members and friends that their wives now boss them around because they don’t have money. These women are told to do the impossible to keep their marriages. They are advised to massage their men’s fragile ego so that their marriages can be heaven on earth.
In most cases, the marriages don’t last because the women get tired of walking on egg shells around their under achieving men. They get tired of being reminded that they should be under their men and not above them.
Women who earn higher than their husbands get tired of being resented and verbally and emotionally abused for being the bread winners. They get tired of being accused of using their husbands star to shine (whatever this nonsense means).
I advise high flying, successful and rich Nigerian women not to marry down for whatever reason. Don’t box yourself into a corner because you think you can save a man and make him better. He will turn around and resent you for it. Women should be wise.