For some couples, COVID-19 lockdown has helped them improve their sex lives but for other couples, the anxiety of this pandemic has left them with low libido and their sexual lives are suffering. 

A woman sent me a message asking if it was right for her to have had sex thrice in the last one month. She said she’s so fearful of what might happen to her job after this pandemic is over that sex is the last thing on her mind.

According to this woman, her husband is also on the same page with her because all he does is hold her, cuddle with her and sleeps off. She asked him if he was okay with them not having sex as much as they are supposed to do since they have been at home for a month and he said he’s okay. 

You may have some friends who are telling you that they are having more sex than ever with their spouses because it’s how they pass the time. Maybe they are the type of people for whom negative emotions like sadness and fear makes them horny and having sex comes easily afterwards.

This may not be so for other people. Some men find it hard to have sex when they are broke. Some women don’t want to have sex when they are anxious or fearful of what tomorrow might bring. Some people need to be in a good place and a solid emotional state to even consider having sex at this time.

This calls for understanding between spouses. This is not the time for couples to start fighting one another because of sex. Try and understand your spouse. Talk to them and find out what they are going through emotionally psychologically. Be there for your spouse and help them go through this difficult period.

Your libido may be low because you and your spouse are not having lively conversations. Both of you used to go off and have your separate, interesting days. You had work. You had your hobbies. You went to the gym. You visited friends. You had your things that you did, and then, when you got home at night, you shared all about your day.

You told each other fun stories. You brought something new and interesting to the table for conversation that made you both excited, giddy, and feeling bonded. But now, you both spend more time alone at home moving from your bedroom to the sitting room everyday with nothing new to report. It just doesn’t stimulate you both to have sex.

You may have no libido at this time because you don’t feel accomplished. You need to feel good about yourself to want to be aroused, perhaps. You want to feel you are meeting targets at work and accomplishing something.

You want to feel like you are doing great things in your career or business. You may also want to feel that sex, or anything pleasurable, really, is something you earned after a hard day’s work but you aren’t really capable of moving things forward in your career much right now. Though there are some things you can do, but not as much as you would like.

The fact that there are no more date nights may affect your libido. You used to have sex on date nights. It gave you a chance to get dressed up and look good for each other. You would be flirty. You would put your troubles away for the evening and just have fun – lighten up a little.

You and your spouse go somewhere beautiful with sexy ambiance just to connect emotionally. Now, couples don’t really have date nights anymore. Even though they try to make date nights at home, it is not the same thing because you and your spouse are not used to not going out.

If you fear feeling so good at this time, it may be responsible for your low libido. You worry about allowing yourself to feel so good, so high and ecstatic as sex makes you feel, because many people are struggling to survive at this time.

Returning to normal life after an orgasm, right now, means returning to the realities of this pandemic. It means coming back to the reality of being stuck inside, of financial worries and how long lives will return to normal. That comedown can be too much to handle. So some people will rather stay at a neutral place.

If you don’t feel hopeful about everything going on right now, you might have no libido. This is because some people need to feel hopeful about everything and anything in order to be in the mood to have sex.

Some people need to feel that life is full of possibilities, and that tomorrow could bring good things or it could be full of surprises – in order to feel happy enough to have sex. Naturally, right now, many people mostly know that tomorrow won’t be full of pleasant surprises.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder and you have had no distance lately to really miss your spouse. Maybe you used to enjoy being away from each other, so you could miss each other, maybe send sexy texts and build up that anticipation throughout the day. But now, you are not apart so there is no room to build sexual anticipation.

For some women, having sex when they don’t feel attractive is a thing. There could be many, many reasons you don’t feel attractive right now. Maybe you don’t have access to the usual services and facilities that help you feel your best, like the gym or hair salon. Maybe you feel best when you get dressed up, and you have no reason to do that. But it’s normal to want to feel physically attractive in order to feel in the mood for sex.

If you are too worried about COVID-19, sex will be the last thing on your mind. Many people don’t realize that they are worried because they aren’t worried about one, targeted thing. They don’t even know what they are worried about.

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This is because there are many possibilities for what the future might bring. They could be bad, terrible, fine, or great. We just don’t know. But since things are so uncertain, people have general and untargeted worry and that can kill libido.

A lot of couples are sad right now and this affects their libido. Many people don’t realize that they are deeply sad right now. Perhaps they are fortunate and nothing bad has happened to someone they know personally throughout this pandemic but a lot of people are suffering.

Everyday, all over the news, there are sad stories from around the world, stories of people who lost their lives or who struggle to afford food. These stories are deep in some people’s subconscious now, and they may just be too sad to have sex.

The truth is that the future is always uncertain. Humans have always had very little control over the future. Sometimes, people could rely on the future going a certain way – like going out with friends, going for vacation with family and visiting places they loved. Now, there’s no semblance of having any control over the future. It can make couples so unsettled that they simply can’t relax enough to have sex.

A lot of couples aren’t having sex right now because they don’t even want to possibly run the slightest risk of getting pregnant. Even couples who once wanted to have more kids are rethinking their decisions right now. They don’t want to bring babies into this very uncertain and hard world.

 

 

Re: Signs you are the toxic one in your marriage

Kate, your article on toxic spouse is really a cerebral mirror of exposure to many spouses out there keeping up with Joneses of marital bliss and gathering their pieces from the ground where they first met. Both male and female spouses have their toxic character flaws but are almost mirror image of each other just as you rightly stated. With a toxic partner, you will never measure up. With a toxic spouse, you are contaminated as you stay together with time and exchange uncouth marital toxins. Keep it up. -Lucky Ejemasa Einstein

Thanks Kate. I’m interested in the place you talked about restrictions. It’s bondage of love that makes a man restrict his woman’s movement, promotions and contacts. I prefer one founding marriage on understanding, trust and consent. I wish all couples a joyous affair.

-Cletus Frenchman, Enugu

Dealing with a toxic spouse is one of the most difficult thing any human being can go through. It is like speaking your dialect to someone from another tribe hoping that they would understand you. It causes so much bad blood and fights that if not checked may lead to spousal murder. I would advice anyone married to a toxic man or woman to divorce the person and start life afresh. You write so well. Thank you for stating facts about toxicity in marriages.

-Nneka Obiozo, Lagos

This earth is blessed to have an amazing creature like you. Kudos to you on last weeks awesome article. I am one of your faithful readers. Thanks for educating us weekly about relationship and marriage. Your amazing articles is the reason I buy Saturday Sun  newspaper. God bless you. Stay safe.

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It takes a lot of courage for one to admit that they are the toxic one in their relationship. Most people love to blame their spouses for even their own actions and that is why a lot of marriages are failing today.

I like the fact that you dealt with that topic so that people in toxic relationships can know what to look out for and how to handle their toxic partner’s drama whenever they happen

You have to continue to teach women to be more humble and submissive because only then can they overcome toxicity in their marriages. Men love to be in change and don’t treat women who challenge their authority well.

-Gabriel, Lagos