I was on the phone with a friend and just after exchanging pleasantries, he asked after my younger sister. She is doing fine, I responded. Is she married? He asked. With that question, I knew what his call was about.
Why is marriage what readily comes to mind when you think of my sister? I asked. We laughed off my question any way. I would have ignored his question but I was ready for some jokes and lesson session, so I told him my sister is married and is now a mother.
“Wow! Amaka, try and settle down as well. I know men are coming, just consider one of them, so you can have a child or two as time is of the essence here, he said.”
I responded: “Marriage is optional and so is birthing children. I can choose to be a single parent if I’m in a rush and this is achievable getting pregnant by a man or I visit a sperm bank for insemination.
I can also get married sake of companionship and choose to birth my child myself or pay a surrogate to birth my child for me. I can as well choose to not have children or better still adopt one or two. These are all options and I’m open to all of them.”
“Amaka, you shall marry and have children in your husband’s house in Jesus name, he said.”
Like I said earlier, I was in the mood for some banter that day, it was the reason I shared other valid options available. And as expected, I got the reaction I wanted.
A lot of people don’t know how to mind their business and also hate it when you tell them your options and you are also willing to explore those options. They look at you like you are sprouting horns, reprimand you or go on a preaching spree. They hate that their choice is not your only option.
As a woman whether single or married, there’s a level of comfort you should be able to afford yourself before having children or settling down. It doesn’t matter if you are dating or married to a man who can afford to give you such level of comfort and more.
First things first, always look out for yourself whether in a relationship or single. Don’t wait around for a man to pick up your bills, it doesn’t matter that he is rich. If your man decides to pay your bills, be grateful, and if he doesn’t, just do your thing. Don’t just stop hustling. This mindset will save you from the heartbreak of unmet expectations.
Recently, a married woman was excited her husband was saving to buy a new car for himself. All her thoughts was that he would gift her his other car when his new car arrives. But her hope was dashed when her husband gave out his old car for Uber business instead. She was so angry and disappointed she reached out to me for clarity. When I was done asking her salient questions, she agreed with me her anger was misplaced.
As a woman, your husband can decide not to buy you a car after your wedding. He can also decide you will not drive his own car. Therefore, make your own money so you can buy yourself good gifts as well. Give yourself the comfort you desire.
If you opt to have kids on your own as a woman, you should able to give your child and yourself basic comfort. Good accommodation in a secure neighborhood, quality education and health care etc.
If you are married to a man who has tied his ego to suffering and he insist on remaining in Ajegunle just to make him feel like a man, meanwhile you desire to live in a better neighborhood and can afford to rent or buy a house, you can move and give him visitation rights.
He can always visit, perform his marital duties and still go back to his Ajengunle residence. You didn’t come to this life to massage his ego. He has your support to live wherever he chooses or as his ego would let him, just don’t let him shove his only option down your throat, your comfort and safety should be your priority.
If you want a surrogate mother, you should be able to afford one yourself. Your husband doesn’t have to pay for it alone. Surrogates don’t come cheap. The goal here is not what a man can give you in marriage or relationship, it is about what you can give yourself with or without a man. You should know that even though there are options, they don’t come cheap.
Both married and single people are out there making money moves everyday. They are pushing the envelopes, selling goods and services. They are not waiting around for their husbands to give them handouts, neither are they waiting for a man to marry and give them what they cannot afford to give themselves if they choose to remain single for life.
A man is like icing on a cake. Marriage is not your only option for living a fulfilled life, options abound. So, go make money and live your dreams with or without a man. Being in a good place financially, helps women break shackles, expectations and ignorant validation that tradition and religion imposed on them to deny them of their freedom of choice.