It is hard being a woman in this country. From conception, you are being discriminated against. If a woman who has all girls gets pregnant, she will be warned not to give birth to another girl.

And when she eventually gives birth to another girl, she is abandoned in the hospital. She is warned not to step foot in her husband’s house since she doesn’t want to give him a male child that will carry on the family name. Women are blamed for the sex of their babies when in actual fact it is men who are responsible for the sex of babies.

In some areas, girls are denied access to education. They are called names and abused. They are reminded that they don’t deserve equal treatment like boys. They are told that going to school is a waste because all their education will end in the kitchen.

Girls and women in Nigeria are endangered species because most men see them as objects to be treated anyhow. Girls are raped and sexually assaulted by people who should love and protect them. Walking on the road at night is a big problem for Nigerian women because of the fear of getting raped.

Uncles molest girls. Lesson teachers touch their breasts and vaginas like it belongs to them. Drivers rape girls left in their care. Repair men take advantage of girls left at home and rape them instead of focusing on the job they were called to do.

Fathers have sex with their daughters and impregnate them while their wives keep making excuses for them and taking these innocent girls for abortions just to keep their doomed marriages and protecting cursed family names. Girls are failed over and over by their mothers just because of marriage.

In school, male teachers ignore their duties and sexually molest little girls. They threaten these girls with death if they divulge what has been happening to them. They rape children, destroy their bodies, scare their souls and damage their lives without flinching.

The sad thing is that this society loves to shame victims of sexual abuse. When a woman is raped, you hear men and women start asking what she was wearing. They taunt her for getting sexually violated. Instead of facing the perpetrators of sexual abuse, these people devote their energy to hurting the victims over and over again.

When a man rapes a lady who visited him, people blame her for going to his house in the first place. They tell her that going to man’s place is an invitation to be raped. Many people are just sick upstairs. Visiting a man is not consent to be sexually abused. Men shouldn’t be raised like animals that lack self control.

When a man rapes a woman after taking her on a date or spending money on her buying gifts that she perhaps didn’t even ask for, people still blame her. They tell her that she got what she deserved. It is always a woman’s fault when a man sexually molests her.

The law enforcement officers also don’t have what it takes to handle rape cases. They shame victims by asking them silly questions. They blame them for dressing in a way that provoked the sexual attack against them. Is that what they should be doing? Are they not supposed to investigate cases of rape and sexual assault and get justice for victims by punishing offenders?

As a woman in Nigeria, you are blamed for getting raped. You are blamed when a man beats you. You are blamed for even being alive. It is like being a woman in Nigeria is a curse. What is the problem? When is this society going to start protecting women and girls? What hope do our unborn daughters have that things will get better in their time?

Last weekend, Busola Dakolo, wife Nigerian musician, Timi dakolo revealed how she was allegedly raped as a teenager by popular Abuja Pastor, Biodun Fatoyinbo of Commonwealth of Zion Assembly in her home.

As usual, some Nigerians tore her to shreds. They poked holes in her story. They called her agent of the devil who wanted to destroy a man of God’s ministry. Some people claimed it was consensual sex and she is just angry that the pastor doesn’t want her anymore.

Others claimed that it was consented rape. That one left me speechless. I don’t understand how consent and rape should be in the same sentence. I discovered that a lot of people, women included don’t actually know what rape is.

The events of last weekend revealed how sick this society is. It revealed how this society doesn’t care about women and their welfare. A lot of women have been raped by men they trusted and respected but refuse to reveal this dark secret for fear of being insulted and bullied by Nigerians.

Other people who might now even have watched Busola Dakolo’s interview claimed that she was vindictive and should have taken that experience to the grave because it happened decades ago. They forget that in sane societies crimes have no expiry date. People are still sentenced decades after they committed crimes.

Some Nigerians kept asking for proof that Busola Dakolo was actually raped. I didn’t know that when someone is about to be raped, they position a camera nearby to record everything so that it can be used as proof against the rapist.

Someone even said that it is not possible for one man to successfully rape a woman without a weapon. He said she wanted it and that she should stop pretending. It is funny that these men who defend rapists will kill if it is their daughters or sisters that were raped.

The way people defend rape and sexual assault in this country is sickening. The mentality of the average Nigerian concerning sexual violence against women is appalling. It is so bad that Busola Dakolo’s allegation against the Gucci pastor was turned into a tribal war between Igbos and Yourbas on social media. Is that what we should be focusing on? Is Busola Dakolo not first a human being who deserves justice?

Earlier this week, a video surfaced where the lawmaker representing Adamawa-North senatorial district, Senator Elisha Abbo, was seen beating up a lady in a sex toy shop. Even though he later claimed that the incident occurred in March 2019, that doesn’t take away the fact that he was caught on camera.

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This country is a mess. Man rapes child. Child reports to parents. Parents tell child to stop lying against an adult because he refused to buy her toys and biscuits.

Man rapes child. Child doesn’t say anything for fear of not being believed. Child becomes withdrawn from rapist, parents force child to continue to relate with her rapist.

Man rapes teenager. This world is finished, teenager seduced him. What was she wearing? Why was she alone? Why did she agree to meet him alone? She wanted it. Her body language gave her away.

Man tries to rape teenager, teenager screams and fights him off. People tell her to shut up. Why are you screaming so loud? He didn’t mean it. He was just testing you. Why do you want to destroy his reputation and career for nothing? God will judge you.

Man rapes teenager in her own home. Why didn’t she scream? Why didn’t she fight him off? What was she wearing? Why did she invite to her house in the first place? She’s a liar. She had sex with him and is now screaming rape. She’s not a serious person.

Man rapes teenager. Teenager tells her parents and family members. They confront man who claims it’s the devil’s work. He comes with his family members to beg for forgiveness and for the case to die. Rape victim family agrees, they collect money in some cases. They tell the victim to forgive and forget.

Years later, victim decides to speak up. People start asking her why is speaking up now. They ask her why she didn’t say anything then. They call her a scorned woman. They poke holes in her story. Some claim they want witnesses. Others claim she’s been seducing her rapist and got what she deserved. Others stand by the rapist and start slut shaming the victim.

When are we going to get things right in this country? When are we going to start shaming criminals who truly deserve it and not victims who are already suffering? If you think it’s not important to address the issue or rape and sexual assault against women, think again.

Your daughters are not safe. Your sisters are not safe. Your wives are not even safe from these animals that get high from raping women and taking advantage of them sexually. It is gradually going round and if we do nothing now to address this scourge, it might consume us.

 

 

Re: Traits of emotionally mature men

Halim, I just read your latest article. And I ravished it. In as much as I agree with all your write-ups, I also think that as you educate the men on relationship issues, you should also do same for ladies. Even though our men need education on this, they might not be on that advanced social platform as you and the same goes for the ladies. So, occasionally write to educate women on appropriate ways to relate with men or else some men will see you as a core feminist. More strength to your elbow!

-Barr. Emeka Onyeokoro

Instructor Kate, even in advanced countries, it is very hard to get 30% of these qualities you outlined in your column that makes up emotionally mature men. So your unsuspecting students may wait till eternity searching for men with such traits.

-Israel Onah, Calabar

Dear Kate, I love reading your write-ups. Every week you take your time to educate your readers about relationships and what you are doing is not easy. You are so focused on people having better relationships. I applaud your courage and consistency. Keep it up my dear. More power to your elbow.

-George, Abuja

Whenever I ready you, I get excited because women like you are rare. You are a liberated woman and you desire that other women break free from societal shackles keeping them trapped in abusive and bad relationships. Thank you for being a ray of hope for Nigerian women. You don’t know how many women you have built their self esteem that now know their worth and demand better treatment from their men in relation shops and marriages. God bless you Kate.

–Mrs. Adebiyi, Akure