Some time ago, I had to submit some forms and after I was done, the person who was in charge of the form collection and I had this conversation.
Man: “Madam, how come you and your son are from different states?”
Me: “That’s right. We are from different states.”
Man: “Aren’t you married to the father?”
I cast a sceptical gaze at him but then I answered him.
Me: “You can read clearly there that the form states that I am married”.
Man: “If you are married, then you should come from the same state as your husband. By marriage you are from your husband’s state. My wife cannot try this, since I married her she is automatically from my state”.
I eyed him because it was obvious his bullshit meter was ticking but I still struggled to keep my calm because he was much older. Unfortunately, he continued his unsolicited marriage counselling.
Man: When you are married you automatically belong to the man, wherever you come from is irrelevant..…
Me: (Cuts in) Thank you, sir, but that is where I am from and not even marriage can change that fact.
As I walked out on him, I began to think within myself; what right do you have to tell me to lose my identity because I am a married woman? What sort of idea is that? Isn’t it enough that I gave up my surname? So, because I am married I should forget where I am from?
Oftentimes, I find it so hard to understand the Nigerian concept of marriage.
Are you saying I should toss away my interest and passion because I got married? Are you telling me I have no life again because I said I do? It is a pity that many women have done this, they have no religion, and career or lives again because they became Mrs. Some women can’t even wear what they want because they are married. They are no longer an individual but a wife. Is that all that matters? They have been brainwashed to throw out everything that makes them women at the altar of marriage. They have been reduced to just the wife and mothers alone when they can be much more. These people forget that a woman can be a wife, mother, have a career and also have her identity too. It doesn’t make her less of a wife or her mother. Combining all together only makes her a super woman.
The other day, I was on a thread on social media and a man said he was becoming uncomfortable because his wife was collecting gifts from her father. According to him, since she married her she should not and even if she wants to, she should seek his permission. I was dazed! Honestly, I am still trying to understand the kind of idea people have about marriage. It is like they feel that once you are married to them you are immediately transformed to an innate object they purchased over the counter. I got so amused by some of the comments I read and I remembered someone saying that, if you are married you have no business with your father again and that your father has no right over you again. Oh! My goodness! I can’t even imagine someone doing that to me all in the name of being married because I love my dad dearly. I am a daddy’s girl in every ramification and marriage can’t change that fact. The role a father takes is different from that of a husband and if you are a husband and you feel you have the right to take over your wife’s life completely then you have a problem.
It startles me that so many women get into this bizarre ritual, it is fine if you have decided to change your name and become a Mrs. but losing your identity totally in a marriage is a no-no for me. Men should stop dictating how we should live our lives.
Although I am of the school of thought that a woman can still keep her name if she wants to and if she doesn’t; it is fine too.
Moreover, it makes no difference if your wife wants to keep her name. If she has built a great career reputation over the years with her name; I think it is only fair for her to keep her name if she wants to. Making a fuss out of that is unnecessary because it doesn’t change the fact that she still loves you. These things are just symbolic, but unfortunately some men carry it too far.
Telling a woman to lose her identify completely because she is married is patriarchal. Imagine an unmarried woman in her 50’s can be easily referred to as a Miss. While a boy who is 10years old on the other hand is referred to as a Mr. this sounds ridiculous and patronizing. Men have a standard throughout their lives to be called a “Mr” and a woman’s title is determined by her being married. You can imagine! Enough of all that! Our identities link us to our heritage and women also have a right to enjoy that too. Never tell us to lose it because we are married to you!
Re: Paedophiles everywhere
dear Bolatito, in your Paedophiles Everywhere, you concentrated on men abusing girls only. I don’t know why you didn’t mention married women and single ladies abusing little boys under their care. You are always biased when it comes to men. There are lots of women out there having amorous affairs with their husband’s servants and some ladies defile little boys too. Always balance your wirte-ups. __Thanks, Weekend Adamawa.
Bolatito, we must realize that the spiritual controls the physical. What is the spiritual background of these kids abused sexually? We must not focus only on physical but also on the spiritual too. Please ma, we Africans must make our spiritual self to be above this situation –Ap Adobeji, Yenagoa, Bayelsa
Your “Paedophiles Everywhere write up is awesome” –McDonald Okeke
Awesome write up, Tito….thanks –Deola
Thanks for sharing, Bolatito, and what a great write up! Our society needs to be educated and enlightened more about the psychological effects of the acts of this mad paedophiles on their young innocent victims, and also a stringent law has to be put in place to jail them once they are found guilty. –TK
Bola, the issue of paedophiles is rather distraughting. More worrisome is the failure of the police to prosecute caught culprits. What could be responsible for such sexual mindset still beats my imagination. Child abuse is covered by law with penalties for offenders. Why the security arm looks away from such sexual infraction has to be investigated. All my efforts to get the cause of that crime ended on religion. Polygamy is approved by Muslim religion; with as young as a thirteen year old girl or slightly lesser in age qualified to be married. With that in vogue, there could be more paedophiles around and some faithful of other religions might apply “what is sauce for the goose” dictum to join the criminal act. Funny it might sound, publishing jailed culprits’ photographs and names, in newspapers periodically, might reduce drastically committal of paedophilia in Nigeria. Might it not? –Lai Ashadele.
Paedophilia is the new crack in town! Sadly, nothing, I mean absolutely nothing is being done or achieved through the much touted law or NGO’s. The punishment, Hmmmmm, a slap on the wrist, I tell you my dear, by the time castration, firing squad or life imprisonment without parole becomes the punishment, I tell you, this evil will die a natural death. –Tessy
Good morning Tito. Thanks for the write-up. Just to let you know that boys can be affected as much as girls too. Watched the news few days ago about a football coach that molested over 100 boys. –Tope
For me, paedophiles should be hung in the village square or killed by firing squad.
It’s terrible that because of some silly tradition and religion, paedophilia is on the rise. I don’t understand how these criminals are let off the hook easily to go and destroy more lives. Its annoying. –Ngozi
Nigerians should stop pampering paedophiles. They deserve to be castrated. It is not a “forgiveness” issue; those monsters have destroyed the innocence and future of many children. —Ijeoma
Paedophiles do not deserve any forgiveness, what they deserve is 5 minutes cement mixture treatment. They deserve to die, and they deserve to be killed. I advocate jungle justice for them, don’t come preaching taking laws into our hands. The bastards know a lot about law before doing the untold to a little child. So next time you catch a paedophile kill him/her. —Jeniffer
Madam Bolatito, I read your “Paedophiles Everywhere” today in the Sunday Sun. It was very revealing and insightful but you forgot to mention the religious organisation that give their little children out for marriage as early as six (6) years old in marriage. At this age, the children are already being sexually abused. Is this different from child abuse or paedophile? I think we should also address this wicked religious teaching.
–Barr. Rex . Ekpoma Edo State.