Nigerian husbands understand that they don’t own their wives! In the same vein, wives must also accept that they don’t own their husbands! Slave trade is long gone, so nobody owns anybody. Everyone has a right to freedom and marriage doesn’t make you a slave master. Marriage is not ownership or titled document and your marriage certificate doesn’t translate to a Certificate of Occupancy.
Moreover, your spouse is not your property and calling him/her your property is derogatory! Are you one of those who find being called a property by their spouses sexy? Do you have butterflies in your tummies when he refers to you as his property?
Then let me explain what a property is in case you don’t know: a property is an object, goods, a non-living thing, something that doesn’t have a mind of its own. A property can be thrown away, sold or burnt and no one would hold you for it, in as much as it is yours. But can you throw away, sell or burn your spouse? The answer is no!
No matter the amount of bride price you paid, that doesn’t translate that she has become a piece of land in Badagry.
Honestly, I have an old soul, so I am a little sentimental about bride price. Given the way some people go about exploiting others with bride price, I sometimes feel it should be scrapped. I frown at exorbitant bride prices. It breaks my heart when parents ask for a huge amount of money for their daughters when they want to marry. I think bride price should just be a ceremonial thing and the money paid on brides should be played down because these are some of the reasons some men think they own their wives after marrying them.
Excuse me, sir, if you are from this school of thought your bride price is only a traditional rite, it doesn’t mean that you have bought your wife, you only married her.
Moreover, marriage is all about two people that have made a vow with their free will to remain faithful to each other but despite these vows, they still have to function individually.
It is true they made promises to themselves to be faithful but free will can make them break their vows or even change their minds later. Sorry to burst your bubbles. That is a fact. We are not living out Walt Disney fairy tales. In reality, marriages thrive and marriages break down. I know many don’t want to hear this but it happens. People fall out of love and people change and you can’t stop them because they have a free will. Until we get to understand that, then things might never change. Domestic violence will be on the increase and spousal murders will continue to happen.
Let us take a critical look at couples who are happy: these couples respect themselves and the love is mutual. Everyone in a happy marriage knows the other person is independent of the other. Although, they make decisions together, that doesn’t take away their self-worth. They both have a mutual agreement on everything in their marriage and they still have their free will. Although there is no perfect relationship, so every happy person in a happy marriage has problems but as their relationship grows they learn to manage their differences. In short, people who are truly happy in their marriages are best of friends.
But on the other side, unhappy couples are different. The kind of homes they run is usually a Master-Slave relationship. Whoever is in charge takes the final decision in all things and there is no part of the spouse that this person doesn’t have a control over. This is not loving, it is bullying. These people have a misconception about marriage, you don’t lose yourself worth in marriage. A marriage where your self-esteem is in tatters is shitty. Marriage was never intended to be run like a Libya slave camp; it was intended for two free souls to love, honour, cherish and be together faithfully.
So, if one party starts to break any of these vows it can result in domestic violence and even death.
Are you one of those that see your spouse as a property you acquired like a luxury car or a posh house at VGC? Unfortunately, many of these people prefer to treat their luxury cars with more respect than their spouses. So tell me why you would prefer to disrespect your spouse over a non-living thing?
However, if you insist that your spouse is your personal property, then you need a new orientation because the concept of marriage is about making choices and not about drowning yourself in something that is not working.
In case you forgot, you made a proposal to your wife before you married her and she made a choice to be with you. She chose you above every other suitor, the reason she is still with you is that she wants to. So, don’t go telling your friends that you have compelled her to do her wifely duties because you are her husband. You didn’t force her; she only made a choice to do that. The moment you start threatening her to do what she normally does on her own, then you should know a problem is looming somewhere. This same thing applies to women too, don’t think because you are giving your husband great sex, you can easily manipulate him to do your bid. Hell no! He is not a fool. He is doing what he does because he made a choice and he also has the free will to change his mind later. No one has a permanent hold on anyone. So, appreciate the things your spouses do for you, never take them for granted.
It is the high time people had their minds renewed about marriage. I know that marriage is not a bed of roses, but I understand you have to put in every effort to make it work.
But when the other party is not willing to make it work, what do you do?
When your spouse’s infidelity begins to affect your health, what do you do?
When he hits you every day, what do you do?
When she is always threatening you with the kitchen knives, what do you do?
When your mental health begins to fail because of the psychological trauma you are battling with in your home what do you do?
Although, I don’t have the answers to all your questions you know the right answers because you are the one wearing the shoe and you know where it hurts deeply.
However, I have this to say: no one should feel like an animal caught in a trap when married. That is not marriage; it is more like incarceration. But remember you made a promise and you can take that back just like your spouse can do if things aren’t working. You don’t even have to travel far away to Imo State to make consultations in the Ministry of Happiness and Purposes Fulfilment. The choice is in your hands. So, if you can no longer honour your vows, get out legally. It is more honourable than ending up in any of Nigeria’s prison for murder or being in a body bag.
Re: Vacancy for marriageable male virgins
This is one of the best write-ups l ever read this year. For me it is a message and undiluted fact. As a Christian, it is evil and very wicked for a man who is not a virgin, and who had to deflower virgin girls, to desperately seek to marry a virgin. It is reaping where one did not sow –Chukwuemeka
Bola, those men who insist on marrying virgin women are holding on to marital tenets of the past. The idea is selfish, insincere and inconsiderate because many of such people are usually randy men. Apart from that, sexual experience is an important part of sustaining a marital relationship. Most men like women who respond rightly to their sexual manoeuvres while at “work.” Some men even go into prayer -untriggered testimonies at such moments. But how does a virgin-le their virginity to the pressure of work; even without sexual intercourse. The earlier men put virginity of women aside and premise their marital relationship on common spousal love, the better for them. What is food for the goose is also food for the gander? Simple!
That one is a bad cook does not prevent one from looking for good food. Virginity is a sign of one’s principles – perseverance.
–Danian S. M.
Bolatito, I pity people like you who earn their living by mocking things considered sacred. We will account to God for every foolish word we utter. Are you encouraging or discouraging female virginity? Who suffers more from promiscuity, the males or the females? Who bears the burden of unwanted pregnancy? Who is more likely to drop out of school because of sexual impropriety – the male or the female? Your piece on virginity was irresponsible. –PASS.
I like your balanced piece on virginity except that virginity is far beyond a hymen. It is still an asset, for we are spiritual beings.
–S Pat-Natson, Kaduna