“I am always chasing my toddler around and I am pregnant with another baby. I work full time. Every day I cook, clean and wash while my husband does absolutely nothing for himself. I even wash his clothes and I have begged him times without number to allow me to get a house help but he has refused.
He hardly lifts a finger in the house, as he expects me to keep the house clean when I get home very late. Even when I am not feeling too well and I want him to help me get something; he will say I am pretending. I am beginning to feel like a doormat and I am tired of the whole thing”—Nana
“I am married with four kids with the eldest now eight years old. I teach English Language in one of the government secondary schools in Lagos. As a class teacher with an average of 100 students in my class, I teach seven arms or more every day. I close by 3 pm but I don’t get home until 6 pm. Often times, I have to stop by to do shopping for the house. And when I get home, I don’t get to bed until 11 pm. My husband never helps with home chores believing that it is only for weak men. A few weeks ago, I noticed that I was feeling dizzy, but I didn’t give it much thought until I collapsed while I was doing laundry. I had to be rushed to the hospital. Folowing that incident, hubby decided to employ a housemaid. Now, I have more time to rest.” Mrs. Ono.
These are true life stories of women whose husbands feel they have extra reserve of energy to do work. These men believe that their women possess supernatural cleaning powers. And at some point, these women also tried to prove they were solely created to do domestic chores only. They tried to impress their husbands until they ran out of energy. These are women who created the monsters their husbands have become only to realise sooner or later that it is taking a toll on their health. We have so many needy husbands out there, men who were spoilt by their mothers, men whose mothers gave everything with an assumption that their wives would take up the task from where they stopped. For some of these men, they are having a jolly ride, while their wives are suffering in silence.
These men expect to sleep in clean and ironed sheets which should be washed every week. They want a sparkling clean kitchen with food magically appearing on their plates whenever they are hungry. If possible they want to be tucked into bed and read bedtime stories. These demigods want their underwears, stinky socks or dirty clothes picked up by their wives. They want the entire house thoroughly swept and polished with no cobwebs or dust anywhere in sight. They are the chief sanitary inspectors who ensure that the ceiling fans are shinning, the blinds are crisp and the house smells fresh every day. But these men never lift a finger; they have a live-in housemaid who is always ready to clear their mess: their wives. Shame on these men who don’t care about how their wives feel doing all the house chores without a help. Shame on men who don’t show appreciation or utter kind words for the things their wives do. They dwell on the cultural belief that women are meant to pitch in more when it comes to chores. This notion is so ingrained in their minds that they find it unsettling seeing women complaining, after all, they are wives! They are created to clean and cook.
Honestly, I don’t care if you are offended because I am here to prick your conscience and make you change your attitude towards your wife. Bros, we are no longer in the 50’s. The real reason for the existence of chore gap is due to wage gap. But we all know that this is no longer the case because most couples now split the bills.
Moreover, these days, many wives work and it will be unfair for them to do all the house chores without their husbands helping out. If you know it is going to rub on your ego doing domestic chores, then get your wife a househelp. Your wife is not a superwoman. In no time, domestic chores combined with office work will push her to the brink of insanity. Don’t you pity the mother of your children? There she is, day in day out with her hair up and wearing sweatpants without makeup and having the entire house all scrubbed up without a word of appreciation from you. It is worrisome when a husband behaves as if his wife is a garbage girl. Whether you believe it or not, housework can cause distress in a marriage and this can lead to discord, sadness and even low self-esteem for women. It is even more annoying when women who are breadwinners have to shoulder the burden of house chores and pay the bills at the same time, while their husbands do nothing. I think many women would have been more productive at their places of work if they were not preoccupied with house chores. According to some research findings, women won’t achieve equal opportunities at work until the men in their lives contribute more to looking after the home. This is so because the structures in the homes are created to favour men. So, it will be hard for women to have the same opportunities in the labour market if equality is not achieved in the home. We need to stop this practice. I am screaming into the ears of every woman reading this piece to wipe their tears, stop lamenting and start acting. We were not even raised like our mothers, so why should we get into the culture of doing all the chores without getting help from our other half? How can an able-bodied man not feel embarrassed by leaving the toilet unflushed? How come you are comfortable living in a junkyard and you have to wait for someone to come help clean your room? How come every man ignores and disregards the little things that have to be done in the house all because they are men? Why are Nigerian men not worried about germs and the festering trash bags hanging around? Well, it is because the house girl is always there to clear all the mess: the wife.
Unfortunately, many women are the enablers of these things; you are always trying to prove you are wife material even before you are married to him. Then, when realities set in, you find out you can’t cope. Women, stop your pretence and let your husband know you can’t continue being a maid. That doesn’t make you a bad wife. In fact, it makes you an honest wife. Telling your significant other to pull his weight more in the house isn’t a bad idea. If he can’t do it, then let him know you need a help. And if he is not going to pay for the help, pay yourself. That is why I always encourage women to be financially independent. The time you are using to break your back doing all the house chores in the house can be channeled into your profession, studying or spending quality time with your kids. Many women are frustrated and they push these frustrations on their kids. That is why you see them beating and screaming on their kids when it is not necessary. But when you are more relaxed, you will have nothing but love to give to your kids and husband.
To everywoman reading this, don’t just sit there and struggle with the feeling of resentment, stop feeling like your husband took advantage of you. Instead, you need to help him develop new behaviour patterns. You will get nowhere with negative reinforcement. Try positive reinforcement. Start working on it now. I am certain very soon you will get the marriage of your dreams back.
Re: Randy lecturers have no business in academic environment
Bola, what of randy students both married and single who populate our higher institutions? Some are tired of dating boys and those that suffer in their marriages see their lecturers as soft targets –Obi.
Why is the world in a hurry to crucify lecturers, while allowing skimpy dresses, see through that bares all? The world is sexualized via movies. Sex is on the streets and on social media and no one is complaining. Sex industry is the biggest thriving industry. Yet hypocrites cry blue murder on rape and randy lecturers without composite analysis –A. Abba from Kaduna.
Bola, thanks so much for your courage to echo the voices of reason of many concerned and heavy-hearted Nigerians. The nonchalant attitude of our education administrators and our government at all levels is responsible for the unabating incidences of sex-for-marks in our universities. May God give our leaders a listening ear. Keep up the good work.
In last week’s Sunday Sun, you used the word vagina so many times that one would think that it is as common as the air. Yesterday, it was the turn of penis. Human lives on earth depend on these two instruments. Can’t you learn to give them some respect? –Eros Liberty.
Bola, what a good one on randy lecturers! But some of these our young ladies who don’t face their studies call for that. –IK Douglas